9 Awkward Conundrums of Being Single at Christmas

Ahhh Christmas. Tis’ the season of family, romance, togetherness, children and Michael Bublé OR, if you are single a season of perpetual awkwardness, probing personal questions and creepy perverts. Yaaaaaaay.

Even if you are completely content in your singleness, Christmas can be a bit of a ballache for a person who happens not to have a Significant Other. So here goes…

9 Awkward Conundrums of Being Single at Christmas

1. You get asked the BEST questions.

Why are you still single? Probably my favourite question after: How old are you again? When are you planning on settling down? You better get a move on, hey? Are you doing okay? Have you been on any dates recently? Are you LONELY? I know a single guy up the road with his own Ford Fiesta, should I set you up? No. No. Just no.

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2. No I’m not trying to steal your boyfriend/husband/fiancé/lesbian lover with my badass dance moves.

I know, I know – they’re seductive. But please don’t get confused between a single person and a desperate person. I just like shaking my boooooooty, I don’t deal in hidden agendas – thank you very much. 

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3. Yes I’m going to stuff my face with gluttonous treats and, after, unbutton the top button of my jeans. 

And what?! I’m hungry!

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4. Fine, put me on the kiddies table. I’d actually rather you do that.

I normally don’t really like children. I just find them a bit weird and they ask too many questions, but Christmas is the exception. I actually find juveniles pretty entertaining during the festive season, partly because they remind me of what life was like before I had to pay taxes.

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Secondly, they don’t bullshit – they just say what they think. If they don’t like the goddamn presents they just say so. If the turkey is too dry they push it to the side and blow bubbles in the gravy. They just don’t give a fuck – which is refreshing. So put me on their table, I dare you…

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5. Yes, I might shed a tear to Wham’s Last Christmas. And?

The question should be: Why are you NOT crying??? Are you a robot?

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6. I will have to buy lots of nice things for… myself! 

What else am I supposed to do with this extra cash!? Such a pity.

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7. GOOD NEWS: I wont have to choose between families.

Providing you actually like your family (???) this is a pretty sweet deal. It means you can move between the only three places worth being at Christmas: sofa, dinner table and bed.

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8. Tick Tock: ‘Annie’s just had her second baby… *finger point* YOU’LL be next!’

Is that an observation or a threat? Either way, it’s probably unlikely (but not impossible) that I’ll be squeezing a human out of my vagina any time soon, because as we’ve established: I’M SINGLE.

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9. When I trail off for alone time, don’t be concerned or alarmed, I’m not trying to kill myself… 

I am actually going to plan my next twelve months of awesomeness. 2015 requires strategy, focus, finesse… or pretending I’m more like Sandra Bullock.

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So for all the single guys and gals this Christmas – enjoy the perks and quirks. For those loved up – keep it cuddly!

To all – have a great Christmas peeps!

Yaz x

If you enjoyed this article, why not check out ‘Shoot Me, I’m Single’?

Tags: christmas Joy relationships single at Christmas singletons

Categories: Fire me up baby! Mirror Mirror: Self Improvement Rant Yazmin Joy