Hello Miss Frosty!
Oh gawd – I think as the Coca-cola ad comes on telly? ‘Holidays are coming, holidays are coming…’ Oooh man! Has it really come to that sodding time of year again? It’s enough to make me want to pour cyanide down my ear holes. Don’t get me wrong I love everything that Christmas represents (family, community, the smell of pine, Christmas dinner, Jesus Christ etc..) but the thing that just gets me is that there is a large gap between the M&S Christmas celebration of my dreams and cruel cruel REALITY.
If there was a Christmas prize giving for shit Christmas’ my family would probably get an award in every category. If there isn’t a humungous bust up, a drunken yob face down in the trifle, a few plates being chucked about or some kind of anti-social outbreak concerning an oversized turkey and an ice pick then it just wouldn’t be Christmas now would it?
For various reasons during the past few years I have had the soul destroying task of decorating my whole house AND tree on my own. For anyone reading this who can relate; I recommend getting a few mates round to help. I personally like to call on my old pals Frank (Sinatra) and Jack (Daniels). Inadvertently this has made me aggressively protective and slightly anal about the way I like to do things in the run up to Christmas. I have a certain protocol that needs to be followed. Take setting of the nativity scene (Jesus’ crib should be at a 40 degree angle). The twinkle lights needs to be wrapped around the kitchen beam precisely six times for maximum twinkle effect. Most importantly the tree needs to be carefully selected; 8ft, moderate breadth and preferably a Nordic Fir.
This year, despite being exceedingly joyous that members of the family have decided to rock up this year, I am finding it a challenge giving up some of the my responsibilities. Take the selection of tree for example… one of the few kicks I get around this time of year is the sweet smell of pine greeting me as I enter my family home. It just makes me feel happy ya know! I mean is it too much to ask for a tree that smells and fits the dimensions of the room?
Today I came home to find this scrawny looking pine sitting in the front room. ‘That’ll do. Don’t you think?’ beamed my Dad. Will it do? It looks like it has been raped by a grizzly and dragged round a dirt track road. I smiled. I took some deep breaths. Okay, I can just about cope just as long as it…wait a minute (I take a whiff)… NOOOOOO!! That’s it. Christmas is ruined!
The thing is, I have this dream Christmas in my head: fluffy white snow, a smiley family all kitted out in chunky alpine knits crowded around a table full of magnificent treats, carols sung at an old grand piano, Bradley Cooper giving me a back rub.. you know just the basics really! But I have come to realize there is no point in fantasising about the ideal Christmas because it doesn’t really make me feel better about it all.
Instead of thinking about what I want I am going to really try my best this year to think about what I have. For instance, when I look at pine-zilla I am going to be grateful we have a real tree at all. When world war three begins at the table because granma is gargling the gravy again I am just going to stick to my place mat and eat my Christmas dinner very slowly. I am going to savoooour eeeeevrrrry mooouuth fuulll… and focus on the sensuous flavours. When I start to feel sorry for myself I am going to use all my will power and self control to be grateful for my family even though they are all barking mad and clearly insane.
To all of you reading this… I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
If you are alone… be assured you are not on your own. I have had so many horridly lonely Christmas’ that I honestly know what you are going through. They are so many people who feel like you do. So don’t feel like you are the only one. (Advice: drink responsibly)
If you have the family I’ve always wanted… love them, cherish them and have a fabulous time.
For those of you like me, who can’t wait to get this wanky season over and done with… don’t lose faith altogether. One of my friends mum’s had a seriously heinous childhood – and Christmas was no exception. But now that she has her own family she really goes all out to make Christmas wonderful for her family – my friend absolutely adores Christmas. I hope that one day, way way waaaay in the future I can make Christmas truly joyful for my family. Until then I’m guna put my game face on, man up and appreciate what I got.
Merry Christmas peeps.
x
Tags: Bad Christmas Christmas Trees
Categories: Rant