February 19, 2012 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

Carnage

So this week I went into London for an impromptu catch up with my mother. I was looking forward to an exceedingly pleasant, sophisticated rendezvous in one of the world’s most dazzling cities with the woman who gave me the gift of life. However, as I stepped off my commuter train I suddenly realized that I had descended into a world of utter carnage. In an apocalyptic scene of chaos I found myself at the centre of dystopia. Yes, HALF TERM was upon us. Fuck.

Now, I already have this phobia of small kids. I know this is kinda a problem, but what can one do? I once got kicked in the shin in the playground and just never got over it.

I don’t know what was more scarring that afternoon, the hoards of delinquent children scampering in every direction like half pint Zombies high on mini-milks or the hyper-nut parents off their faces on asshole syndrome. Their mentality was pretty much along the lines of: ‘I got children so am exempt from all reasonable decorum’. Wankers.

Marrr and I resided in Southbank’s Wagamama for lunch where we might as well have sat in the Gibbon enclosure at London Zoo. The poor staff! Now I am not being prejudice against all children, I know that when a young child is going to cry there’s sod all you can do about it, but bloody hell, you would at least have expected parents to have their children sitting at the table. Children were running loose everywhere. Debris of half eaten meals scattered all over the floor. Are we at war? It was like a scene from 28 Days Later. Just replace zombies with kids and you’ll begin to get the idea.

I literally watched three kids (I’m guessing about 6 years old) stand in the aisle with ice lolly’s just mindlessly bobbing about like a buoys in a sailing regatta. Waiters with steaming plates of dim sum and scolding bowls of Raman Noodle soup had no choice but to dodge these little floaters. Let me ask you: who is liable if there is some sort of noodle-tofu-child related incident??? Heaven forbid little Daisy should end up with Katzu curry on her head. And hello, what about the rest of us? What about the waiters? These children were hazardous. Not only were they way below the average adult eye line they were unpredictable and some just erratic. The whole fiasco at the restaurant was just unethical for everyone involved!

Look I don’t blame the children. I accept the fact that little-uns misbehave but what irritates me is the outrageously smug, pretentious parents out there who believe the sun shines out of their arse holes. One woman, being led by her five-year-old pushed passed me as I was sitting down at my table in this coffee place. ‘CAN I GET THROUGH’ she barked. Aaahherrrm excuse me MADAM!! No ‘please…’?? No ‘would you mind…’?? Just pure natal maaaadness. In this day and age having a small child exempts you from having manners apparently. I mean, what kind of example was she setting for her kid? Women like that just give mothers in general a bad name. And to be honest it’s not fair on all those amazingly kick ass mothers and fathers out there trying to make the world a better place.

UGHHH Don’t even get me started on the pram-pushers who dulldose their way down Oxford street in these hummer strollers. What the hell??? Is it really neccessary? Trying to walk here lady!

I have to admit; when I did take the time to look around the restaurant I noticed that there were plenty of well behaved, polite children. The thing is… all the uncouth little shits were so distracting that afternoon that one could barely think clearly let alone acknowledge the functional families in the room – who just like the rest us – were just trying to enjoy their meal.

I don’t think it’s just me who has a problem with this ‘let the kids do what they want’ attitude. Remember that SATC episode (Season Six Episode 9 – not that I know that off the top of my head) when Samantha encounters this very specimen of disruptive, antisocial mother and child in a smart restaurant (‘Hello, I understand that your child and I have to co-exist in this city but…’ ahhhh she cracks me up!). She ends up having pesto spaghetti chucked at her. Under any other circumstances that would count as assault!! But chuck a child into the equation and ya get off scot-free? Next time I want to cause social distubance I’ll just borrow my baby cousin for a few hours shall I?

What about Yasmina Reza’s Broadway smash hit God of Carnage that has now been adapted into the motion picture Carnage by Roman Polanski?? Subject matter: the disintegration of effective parenting!

I take comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who is outraged by the behaviour of these dickheads, TYPO!!! PARENTS, I mean parents. If this is the future of parenthood, then God help us all. One thing I am certain of is after this half term I know I will do my damn hardest to resist metamorphosing into one of these irrational fruit-cake-kid-whipped-nut-jobs.

It’s up to us to make a change in the way we educate and discipline our children… watch super nanny why don’t you?!

Not to be too melodramatic, but if we don’t fight this frightful epidemic I am afraid we are all DOOMED! (Well at least during half-term week)!

Have a great week peeps.