March 26, 2012 - Written by:

Will you be my Straight Guy Friend?

So it occurred to me while watching New Girl the other day that I have a serious lack of Straight Guy Friends (SGFs) in my life. And I have to be honest at first I was rather offended at this sudden revelation. Why wouldn’t a straight guy want to be friends with me? I thought as I sat in my pink leopard print bathrobe and Googled Chris Pine’s abs on my iphone. I can be competitive. I enjoy a good ol game of Tekken when the mood takes me. I enjoy outdoor pursuits and watching Takeshi’s Castle. Hell, sometimes I let my trousers hang low so peeps can see my girl-boxers – and what!?

I, of course have male “friends”, but none of them even come close to the intimacy and allegiance I share with my girl friends. I mean, I will go out with my guy friends in a mixed group for a night on the town or a catch up over coffee once in a blue moon but our level of friendship isn’t even on par with my gay male friends or female buddies.  

I guess, the truth of the matter is, when it really boils down to it, I’ve always been a girls-girl. Although I may be pro-women, horrahh for feminism yadda yadda… that doesn’t mean that I don’t need a bit of alpha-male perspective once in a while. Something completely platonic yet authentic and genuine. Is that too much to ask??

Now, I am extremely jealous of my flat mate because she has literally tonnes of SGFs. They casually catch up a couple of times a month in person over drinks/tea and biscuits, the blokes give her dating advice, they even talk on the phone a few hours a week – and Joe Muggins here – aka me – has to sit round and listen to it. Ughhhh! Makes me sick. And before you ask, NO – they have never been romantically involved in any way, shape or form. I know, how UNFAIR is that!! And the girl just doesn’t have just one of these bro-mates but she has THREE!! THREE SGFs all to herself. Three hotlines giving her unlimited access to guy advice whenever she wants. I can’t help but feel I am missing out. Just NOT FAIR!!!

I know it’s pathetic but I am actually envious of the girl. Don’t get me wrong I love having my girls around me but recently I have really felt I could benefit from a little bro-mance you know! Do I really have to be a ‘dawg’ to be your ‘home-dawg’? I don’t know. You tell me.

‘The key’, my flat mate exclaimed the other day, ‘to having solid friendships with my guy friends is setting the boundaries from the start. Both parties need to make it totally, completely, utterly clear that there is no underlying sexually infused ulterior motive. Neither party should have any romantically charged feelings for the other. Plus if they have a girlfriend you have to make it absolutely clear that you don’t fancy their chap. You need to work hard at having a good relationship with the both of them.’

Okay well that can be done, I thought…

 I considered for a very brief and fleeting yet profound moment making a public appeal for a potential SGF on Facebook.

I drafted the following letter;

Dear potential SGF,

Here are some reasons why I think you could benefit from my presence in your life.

 

1)      I could give you insight into how women’s minds operate. (Save you years of therapy.)

2)      I love baking so would regularly leave you muffin baskets.

3)       Teach you my street dance moves.

4)      Not to mention be an excellent (fairy) god mother to your children way way waaaay in the future.

5)      I take lots of photographs so when you are old and senile you will have archived images of your life to look over in the nursing home.

 

In return you could:

1) Protect me against slimy men in night clubs.

2) Give any guy I date ‘the talk’ – If you mess her about I’ll break your legs kind of thing

3) Help me fix my telly.

4) Give me insight in to the male mental apparatus.

5) And most importantly, help me cut and prepare raw meat. (not too keen on the handling of uncooked animal carcass, you see.)  

 

I guess some mutual interests are kind of preferred but not obligatory.

 

Kindest regards,

 

P.s. please enclose head shot.

I decided not to publish it in the end because I realized it might make me look a tiny bit desperate and possibly – although this is totally untrue – a control freak.

O dear. Had my life really been reduced to this? I thought.

 I mean some people I know just naturally make friends with the opposite sex. WHY? Is there something wrong with me? Am I just more of a girl you date rather than girl you are just friends with? Am I too feminine? I don’t think I am overtly so. Do I come across too flirty? Or am I just not very approachable? Is it because I listen to Cyndi Lauper? I am not massively into sport either. But would you hold that against me? I like half time orange.

In an in-depth discussion with my flat mates we came across the idea that science might hold the golden key. This whole lack of SGF’s in my life might just all be down to biology. Is the guy/girl friend equation just down to personality traits??

The girls I know who have lots of guy mates are not butch or display any particular maleness on the outside, but I have noticed certain aspects of their character are masculine in nature.

For instance my flat mate (who has lots of really close SGFs) is very direct and assertive when she speaks – there’s no bullshitting with her. Maybe in girl-world her communication style can be a tad brash (not that I personally have had any problems with that – coz a lot of the time I kind of appreciate it). But she seems to communicate with a clarity that is quite often in tune with masculine modes of communication. She can also hold a conversation about rugby which I guess is a bonus. She is not masculine but that particular trait I would say is. Simultaneously, none of her close girl friends are overtly feminine in their communication styles either.

Likewise, many of the straight guys I have ever been close to in the past have been very open and had no problem of talking about how they feel. I can be quite communicative in that way and so am naturally attracted to people who are the same. This kind of heart to heart mantra, I think, is predominantly more of a  feminine personality trait. And just to clarify, I am not saying these guys are feminine – but that that aspect of their personality is.

I mean, of course we all have intimacy with our spouses or other halves – but I’m talking specifically when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex.

I believe we all have feminine and masculine traits interwoven within our personalities. Fact. Nope, don’t even try to argue with me Mister, because it’s true. No one is completely feminine or completely masculine, and this is regardless of sexuality or what you consider your gender to be.

The correlation between these traits and the varying levels masculinity and femininity in different areas of your life affects how (more or less) compatible we are with people of the opposite sex in a friendship scenario.  This might explain why some people naturally have more male/female friends then others.

So, just like there are guy’s guys, and girl’s girls, there are also guy’s girls and girl’s guys.

Ow, but despite all this brain work – I just really REALLY feel like I NEED more maleness in my life to balance things out. Is that so wrong?? Selfish???

…Later that week I was moaning to one of my best girl friends about the whole fiasco when she turned around rather angrily and said…

‘Can I just say… that is the most RIDICULOUS thing I have ever heard.’

‘I beg your pardon.’ I replied, stunned at this unexpected (rather hostile) reaction.

‘YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL YOU HAVE FRIENDS AT ALL!!!’

I went a bit quiet. We continued walking in silence. Awkward.

That night I lay in my bed and pondered. Was she right? Why was it I suddenly had this need for a straight guy friend? I never had this specific desire when I was in a relationship.

When I thought about it, it occurred to me that I was being a bit of a dick. Was I objectifying the heterosexual alpha male because of their social identity rather than their individuality?

 It always irritated me when I would hear people say: ‘I wish I had a gay best friend’– and here I was doing exactly the same to a straight guy. Shame. On. Me.

There I was moaning about not having a SGF when all the while I was neglecting to acknowledge the many wonderful, amazing people I did have in my life, who were taking the time to converse with me about my lack of adequate friendships when they were all the while offering me theirs.

Gender, sexuality, race, age, femininity and masculinity are secondary to that indefinable but pure connection you share with some human beings. So while I guess a little straight male perspective is always good and helpful nothing can be more valuable than advice and company with people who really know and love you for who you are and likewise.

Have a great week peeps.

x

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