April 30, 2012 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

Final Destination: An Exposé on London Commuters

This week I am going to be sharing my observations and views on COMMUTERS.

They are one of the most fascinating sub-groups of human-beings I have ever encountered in my life. Ruthless, determined, brutal and relentless.

At first I was rather excited about joining the working world, getting my morning coffee on the way to the station, trundling along with Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 in my ear. How splendid I thought. How grown up. I feel like I’m starring in my own city-girl sitcom. That was three weeks ago. Any enthusiasm I had now has now dissipated along with much of my self-respect because I have discovered commuting is more like a ruthless military operation than a leisurely communal journey from a to b.

So here are some things I have learnt about commuters:

1) They are incredibly economical.

Napping for instance. On the way in/on the way home – it’s totally the thing to do. By what I gather they seem to be up at the break of dawn and many get home after 8pm. Hardcore. I’m guessing that if one was to consider all the things normal people do before going to bed it would appear that they don’t get much sleep at home. Catching a few winks on the train just seems to make sense.

2) They are strategic.

You may think the commuters are making space for oncoming passengers when they stand in the aisle and generally act irritating. If you do you are naive. They are actually trying to get in prime position to they can nab the next available seat. You see it’s all about understated strategy. Oh how clueless I was on my first commute. Now I know exactly which carriage to aim for. Where to stand as I am getting on. I have also identified the weaklings. The people I know I can overtake without getting battered by a brolly. Unlike normal train journeys sex, age or status means diddily-squat at peak commuting times. The attitude seems to be if you’re not fit or are just incompetent than take the after 10 train. Brutal but true. That is unless you are preggers. Then exceptions may be made.

3) Every man (and woman) for themselves.

The past few trips I have sat next to the same people and yet I noticed that no-one says hello to each other. Why? If we were in any other social situation I’m sure everyone would get to know one another and share brioche. And I am hopeful that one day we will. But as it stands talking to fellow passengers is out. In their defence it does make sense to conserve one’s energy for more vital activities such as working, reading or stampeding to the tube.

4) Speaking of stampeding…

in large numbers they are a force to be reckoned with. Whatever you do DON’T go against the flow of oncoming commuters – you might get crushed and die! I am not kidding. I am very surprised that there are not more fatalities between 7 and 10 in the morning. I once saw a person, judging by his lonely planet guide and yellow high-tops he was probably a tourist, who had innocently not realized he had bought a peak ticket. He almost got trampled as he tried to jump onto the Northern Line via the wrong pathway and I am ashamed to say I was one of the tramplers. What was I supposed to do? Trying to prevent them ramming into him would be suicide. Plus I didn’t want to be late for work. I coudln’t stop the army of navy, black and grey suits descending on him. He just didn’t know what was going on. Poor bastard. What you got to understand is that these people are on a mission and they don’t care much for tourists.

Last year I was caught at Waterloo during a massive signal failure at peak time. People actually went loco! (see what I did there!) It was carnage. A train pulled up and hoards of commuters just randomly jumped onboard. They didn’t even wait to see where the train was going. They were just determined to commute… and it didn’t even seem to matter where. Unfortunately for them they weren’t going anywhere because the station had run out of drivers. I decided to jump on a train going in the direction of my town.

As I was waiting for my train to depart I witnessed a man on crutches swing past fully able commuters at such force and speed he was like a suited and booted Tarzan of metropolis. Maybe the crutches weren’t even his? Maybe he knocked out the real person on crutches because they were too slow going up the stairs and he figured the poles would give him an edge. He was going bloody fast.

I then saw this woman determined to get into this packed carriage. Her heels were hanging over the ledge she was barely in the train at all. I was convinced she wouldn’t make it. She looked like my cat when it won’t go in the kitty carrier. All four limbs were spread eagled – clinging, clawing for dear life– but unlike my cat she was trying to get IN to the confined space not out. It was magnificent to watch. Then, you wouldn’t believe it, the doors started closing in on her. They just kept jarring against her protruding body parts. Her ass must have been black and blue by the end but she didn’t even flinch. Man, it looked painful. By the third time they closed on her for a third time there was a reluctant shuffling in the carriage as her fellow commuters made more room. She managed to wedge herself in at the precise moment the doors closed for a fourth time.

I mean I totally respect her optimism. It is a tad stressful when a train is about to leave and every carriage you approach is packed. You have to make a quick judgement call about whether you should get in or not. You can tell that the existing passengers are willing you to move on to the next carriage because there is just not enough room but time is ticking and you just need to make a decision and stick to it. You must rely on your primal intuition on whether you should settle for the carriage in front of you or move on sister – in the hope that the next one has more space.

I guess I have a lot more respect for those people who commute on a regular basis. I mean, I am only in for two days a week and it is exhausting so I can only imagine what it’s like for regulars. I thought getting up for 9am lectures was hard but these 6 am starts are no joke and require planning and preparation. To be fair, as the weeks progress I do find my body adjusting. I no longer wanna vom on the early train which I guess is positive.

Perks of the Tube

There are some perks too. I rather like the free reading material supplied by the city of London; Metro, Evening Standard, Stylist and all free too… Maybe these were introduced by the government to help keep the peace? Or maybe to make us all feel better about working like crazy.

Although commuters, especially those with cycles, are incredibly irritating, you got to admire their resilience. I have never met a group so hard working. Once I was coming home after 9pm on the train with my friend and there was this commuter. He was like a straggling buffalo that had been left behind by the rest of the herd. He was so tired he was literally falling asleep face down in his M&S meal. His tie was dipping into his salad dressing and the whole scene was just heart breaking. Well it was heart breaking in retrospect but at the time I am ashamed to say I found the whole thing very funny and may have pointed and laughed. I bet he had a wife and kids at home and would probably prefer to be on the sofa chilling out to Scott and Bailey in his sheepskin moccasins than sitting on this smelly old train with these two girls laughing at him as he slowly sank further and further into his noodle salad. The thing is commuters are just like you and me, apart from they are intensely ruthless and sometimes appear emotionless – this of course doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings.

Being an honorary commuter has really tested my agility, tried my patience and heightened my spatial awareness.

Commuting is a rather ghastly experience but I guess we are all in it together so might as well try and see the positives.

If, dear reader, you end up commuting by train at some point I hope this has been helpful. If you are already a commuter – I have muchos respect – I don’t know how you do it.

Anyway, enough rambling…

Have a great week peeps!