August 26, 2012 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

This Sucks. Period.

So I’m lying here like some kind of beached whale on the sofa, temperature sky high, my back fiercely sweating like a pork chop, my tummy is swollen and I’m majorly sorry for this over-share but I have what many medics refer to as ‘loose motions’. I feel icky, sticky and nauseous. My appetite has long gone and I am emotionally unstable.

No I am not dying of cholera or suffering food poisoning. I haven’t contracted a virus or caught a bug. The truth is I feel like this every month. Yes these are all symptoms of the dreaded PERIOD. Dum dum dum!!!

I’m not going to beat about the bush and pretend that periods are beautiful reminders of our heavenly fruit baring bodies. They are disgusting, vile, horrible things that I deeply resent. Especially when I get a bad one… that does seem to happen from time to time.

Don’t get me wrong I love being a girl and a very teeny tiny part of me is comforted by this the fact my body is working properly but geeeeze in general its a bit of a bitch isn’t it. The worst part is I don’t really feel like I can complain much because there’s nothing technically ‘wrong’ with me is there? I don’t wana be a wuss ‘I can’t come into work today because my vag flow is pretty immense this month’ Yeah nice one.

I yell out in pain OUCHABANGGAFUKASHHIIIITTTTWWWANNNGAA. I don’t know why but shouting makes me feels better. The thing is I am determined to keep calm and carry on when I’m out and about at work, shopping or whatever, but in my own home I like to have a bitch and a sulk about the whole fiasco. I mean whose going to stop me? I have my rights.

‘I feel like shit. My tummy hurts. I need some painkillers. Massage my back. Pass me those Hobknobs…. FAST.’

I’m not always this cranky but I’ve lost all sense of rationality. I am like a she-wolf – there are only my senses and raw emotion.

My life is a ticking time bomb – revolving around my 8 toilet breaks in which I must re-place my tampon. Sometimes I like to swap my Tampax for an Always Ultra – I take comfort in the padding – but 10 minutes after the swap my crotch is itchy and I basically feel like a 23 year-old toddler. Disgusting.

‘Who ate the last hobknob??’ The she-wolf roars.

Munch, munch, munch. An unassuming male has walked into the She-Wolf den.

‘What the -’

‘Whats wrong love? (munch, munch, munch) Ooooh I know why you’re cranky?’

‘Ohhhhh you do, do you?’ She-Wolf snarls. She knows exactly where this is going.

Stare off.

‘Time of the month.’ He replies.

That hurt.

‘HOW DARE YOU!!!!’ I am outraged. HOW VERRY DAARE YOU!

I stomp upstairs and burst into tears.

The truth is he knows it, I know it, even Mongoo my cat knows it. His feline instincts can smell the hormones oozing from my sweat glands miles away. This behavior is a side-effect of my period (duhhh). You don’t need to tell me that. At least don’t tell me at the time – unless you have some kind of death wish. A crazy person doesn’t think they are crazy in their craziness do they??

Don’t get mad at my irrationality. Just avoid me or even better cuddle me. Ashton Kutcher made Natalie Portman cupcakes in No Strings Attached. Just saying. My body produces a baby!! What the fuck? My body?? My vagina!? WTF!? What does your body do?

It’s not that I’m over reacting on my period. I think I just play it so damn cool the whole rest of the time once a month I deserve to let off some steam. You may think my behavour is abnormal when in a matter-of-fact its completely normal because that is a part of my natural menstral cycle.

I often wonder as I roll around on my floor questioning how I can feel so shit and NOT be giving birth to something – how Madonna does it when she’s on tour? How did Boudiccia do it when she was leading an army into battle? How did Pamela Anderson do it in the 90’s when she had to rock up on the Bay Watch set in that crotch trapeze one piece red swim suit? Maybe they are just super human.

I soldier on with my work report. I SHALL FINISH.

This whole period malarky sucks! But thinking about my she-heroes, I never heard of Beyonce refusing to perform because she’s got severe cramps, even though I bet even the Queen B herself probably does from time to time.

The truth is the symptoms are variable from person to person, some chicks get it worse than others. But, in general, I guess women, the world over, just get on with it. And when I am in chronic pain this thought (and a tonne of painkillers) gives me courage and strength to keep going. That’s just how we sisters roll I guess.

ANyway nuff musings…

Have a great week peeps!