When Words Fail Me

It was the last day of an internship with a prestigious up and coming film production company, and I had rapped on my boss’ door to say my goodbyes.

‘Yaz is it really your last day today?’ He said with what I like to assume was disappointment. ‘So what are you up to next?’ 

I have to say I was rather excited that my boss – [film producer], was suddenly interested in moi – [intern/writer/super-star-waiting-to-be-discovered].

This was my chance to tell him about all the exciting things I had planned over then next few months and prove I wasn’t just a floating intern but an intelligent and motivated future business woman.

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I decided to play it cool.

‘Well I need to get a job’ – Okay that’s the truth but then I continued… ‘I think I might try and get some bar work in one of those really cool late night Soho rock and roll bars…’ 

What? Oh gawd stop…. what was I saying?

‘Oh right,’ he said somewhat bemused.

‘Yeah I just loooove bar work and working late and meeting people.’  

Stop talking Yaz. O man just. Stop. Talking. 

Awkward silence.

His assistant butted in ‘-and you’re writing film scripts as well aren’t you Yaz?’ 

Thank goodness… a prompt.

‘Oh yeah that thing. Well I’m going on this writer’s journey thing… but working in Soho? That would be so cool… Need the squiller.’ I then rubbed my thumb and finger together like some sort of Dick Dastardly Guy Richie villain.

Oh geezuz. YAZ just stop. CEASEFIRE! 

But it was too late.

In the space of about two minutes I had managed to turn from an impressive, sharp, motivated, possible future Forbes listee into an aspiring Soho stripper/N’Dubz member. I was essentially describing myself as a late night prostitute who did a bit of writing on the side, when really I should of been talking about my project, about my exciting plans, my website, my work being published. I should have said something positive about myself and my plans. My real plans. Not just my plans to search for a part-time job. I mean it was true I was looking for a job. It was true I love bar work. But what I was saying was not at all relevant or appropriate in this scenario.

My boss, a nice guy, nodded told me to keep in touch. I just smiled. I didn’t want to say anymore.

My point is, sometimes, when I’m put on the spot, I just talk shit. Words just, well, fail me. I don’t know why I do it. I can’t really predict when I’ll do it. But an onslaught of verbal vomit with come pouring out when I am caught off guard.

I left the room wondering why? WHYYYY? Why do I do this? Why do I talk absolute cow shit when confronted by a perfectly normal and amicable, reasonable question?

I can spew verbal vomit at any time. It can be the perfect moment, the perfect person, the opportune time and then I can say something that is completely irrelevant and, more pressingly, something that undermines MYSELF. Why?

On the train home it struck me: it wasn’t mindless shit that was pouring out of my mouth: it was fear.

‘For out of the abundance of your mouth the heart speaks’ Matthew 12:34 (ESV)

I realized the reason I was down-playing my future plans and my achievements was because I was fearful of failure.

I didn’t want to tell my boss I was a budding writer, an aspiring entrepreneur, an artiste because a) I didn’t want to sound like a wanker and b) if I was to fail, I wouldn’t want to be remembered as one who talked the talk but didn’t walk the walk.

Sometimes we are ashamed to vocalize our dreams, to say what we really feel, to articulate what is in our hearts, because we are afraid of people judging us and our ambition. We are fearful of how we will come across.

The fact is there is power in silence. There is strength in using few words. I’ve discovered it’s better not to speak at all if you are going to talk shit. 

And if you are going to speak, just don’t do what I did on my last day of work and replace words of ambition and optimism with words of a negativity i.e. words that under value you. That’s not helpful to anyone least of all yourself. Speak yourself UP sister (and brother)! You should give yourself the best shot you got or else play it cool and say nothing. Well that’s what I think anyway.

And that’s enough ramblings!

Have a great week peeps.

x

Tags: humour interning life lessons society

Categories: Mirror Mirror: Self Improvement