August 5, 2013 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

Guys, 6 Things Not to Do on a Date

1. Go through your work emails at the dinner table.

The smell of crackling bacon and maple syrup wafted through the air in one of the London’s most infamous breakfast joints. A couple, who were seriously diggin’ one another sat in the window seat fully engrossed in conversation. I looked back at my own date and the dream was shattered… Why Yaz ‘ol gal, I hear you ask you ask? Because my date was glued to his smart phone. I’m sorry, AM I BORING YOU!? My two eggs benedict looked back at me like a pair of bulbous eyes weeping hollandaise sauce, I was pretty sure they were thinking the same thing my own instincts were telling me: ‘WHHHAAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!? RUNNNNN!’

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2. Be a stingy bastard.

Look, when I’m on a date I don’t expect you to pay for me BUT geeze louise at least pay for YOURSELF you stingy bastard.

There is nothing more unattractive than a miserly man. Don’t let the chick pick up the drinks when your beer cost three times more than her lime and soda – take a stand man! If she insists – you insister harder. Guys, women like financially savvy men, we do. But we don’t like men who show free-loading tendencies. Massive turn off.

3. Not bother to share the load.

If your date is carrying a really fuck-off heavy weekend bag around town, because YOU have SUGGESTED you both GO FOR A WALK (and you have no bag at all), please be encouraged to share the load. It’s just a nice thing to do okay.

This isn’t a gender issue, this is a ‘are you a good person?’ issue. It demonstrates humility and thoughfulness by offering to carry her heavy bag for a while. I’d do it for any of my female friends, it’s just about sharing the load.

If after offering, she says ‘How very dare you! I’m an independent woman [fool] I can carry my own bags’ then at least you offered dude! She’s a numpty, and you man, I salute you.

4. Appear desperate for sex.

Pardon. Don’t say ‘…after 6 months of no sex, you are just going to want to let off some steam’ I was counting in my head ‘January, February, March… heeyyy wait a tick when was it you broke up with your girlfriend again?’

**5. Don’t pap your date.**

Guys, don’t take a picture of your date and post it on a social media site WITHOUT ASKING her or giving her a heads up, especially if you don’t know each other very well. What am I? A performing monkey? You might as well clap your hands and poke me with a large stick. It begs the question… who are you trying to impress? Or worse: who are you trying to make jealous?

6. Please, in the name of José González DON’T spit in the street.

While this may be obvious to some, as it appears, not so obvious to others. Not once, not twice, BUT THREE times did my date spit in the street. Do you think this is actually acceptable behaviour Sir? Does your body produce too much saliva? Do you have an overstimulated submandibular gland? Are you a camel? IS THAT IT??

He could be educated at one of the most prestigious universities in the world, work for a multi-million pound corporation, be well-dressed, forward thinking, attractive and good natured but this is all becomes REDUNDANT when you HOIK up your mouth fluid and then then emit it with the speed of a bullet in a busy street.

Only in the context of sporting activities and consuming too much dairy is spitting really ever validated in public, and even then, why don’t you just use a hankie like everyone else?

I mean, is it just me? Readers, am I being unreasonable here? What do other people think about spitting? Emails at brunch? Is chivalry dead? Why not share you’re dating tips ladies.

So this, lads, is my top advice on what NOT to do on a date. Guys, how about some tips for the girls?