Smart Girl’s Guide: The Games that Sexual Predators Play

Imagine you went clubbing to dance away the week’s worries, but your friends ditched you for one reason or another. So, it’s the wee hours of the morning and you’re waiting outside for a cab. Alone. Suddenly, you hear a voice say, “I guess it’s just me and you, huh?”. You turn and see an attractive, seemingly nonthreatening guy. He introduces himself and you make small talk.

However, behind his friendly facade, there may be unfriendly intentions lurking. But what are the warning signs?

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A few years ago, I read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. The Gift of Fear empowers people to recognize the warning signs of potential attacks, whether it’s in the workplace or during a night out.  In this book, de Becker describes tactics that predators use to manipulate their victims. He calls these tactics “Pre-Incident Indicators” or PINS. Although these PINS don’t apply to all assaults, I’ve heard of situations where they have been used. Here are PINS that are commonly used in sexual attacks:

Forced Teaming

The guy then asks why you are out alone. You say that your friends left you and you’re waiting for a cab. He then mentions that he was also ditched by his boys and was hoping to catch a ride. In a flirty manner, the dude then goes on about how “you already have something in common”. 

This is called forced teaming. Usually an attacker will try to act like you are in the same situation. These commonalities aren’t mere coincidences. Instead, the attacker fabricates them and they are used as bait to reel you in.

Charm and Niceness

You and this guy continue to talk. You notice that he is very smooth and charismatic. He asks where you live and you tell him the general vicinity. The dude mentions that he has a friend that lives in that area. Finally, your cab arrives. “Wait” he calls, “Can I ride with you?”. The guy then tells you that he lives on the other side of town but his friend lives near your apartment. He is hoping that his friend will let him crash at his place. You oblige because you are smitten by his charm. The guy even opens the cab door for you and offers to pay the fare (what a gentleman!).

You know the old saying, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”? That’s exactly what’s happening here. Any good manipulator knows that you must be extremely nice to a person in order to gain their trust. I’ve known a few con artists and they are some of the most captivating people you’ll meet. Well, until you catch onto them…

TMI

The two of you are riding in the cab and he’s talking. A LOT. You’re tired, slightly tipsy, and still bitter at your friends. At this point you’d prefer to sit in silence. Yet ole dude goes on and on. He tells you how his friend, Joey, lives near you in a brick apartment building with a Tiffany window in the center. He tells you how his phone fell into the urinal at the club, so he can’t call Joey. He tells you how he’s going to T-Mobile after he wakes up in order to get a new phone. He tells you how he wishes that his two-year contract was up, so he could get a new service provider. He tells you that he has to pee very badly. He tells you…TOO MUCH INFORMATION 

Predators will often tell you too many details. They are trying to hide the fact that they’re lying their butts off by shelling out a lot of info. Predators figure that the more they lie, they more it sounds like they’re telling the truth.

Typecasting

He keeps on talking and you’re feeling drowsier. You look out the window and yawn. The guy stops talking about his bladder issues and says, “I’m boring you, aren’t I? You seem like the type of girl who’s hard to please.”  You can’t believe that he said that you were hard to please! Now you pay attention to the guy, so he’ll realize that he’s mistaken.

This tactic is called typecasting. The attacker uses an insult in order to get you engaged in the conversation. By calling you “hard to please” he knows that you’ll try to prove otherwise. This usually means that you will make an effort to talk to him.

Loan Sharking

You finally arrive at your apartment building. The cab driver tells you that the fare costs $25. The guy gets out his wallet, gives the driver $40 and tells him to keep the change. You are impressed that he paid for your fare and gave the driver a large tip. The guy mentions again that he has to pee and asks to use your restroom. You hesitate. He says that it’s the least you can do. After all, he paid the fare.

By paying for your cab ride, this dude wants you to feel a need to return the favor. Predators will often offer to help you. If something feels “off” about the person helping you, thank them and keep it moving. They’ll live. You may not after you’ve fallen into their trap…

Unsolicited Promise

You are grateful that he helped you out, so you agree to let him use the restroom. The dude thanks you and says, “I’ll just use the bathroom real quick and I’ll leave right away. I promise.”

When someone adds “I promise” to the end of their statement, they obviously want to ease any doubt that you may have. When someone promises to leave you alone, be very suspicious of them. It often means that they’ll continue bothering you.

Doesn’t Take “No” for An Answer

As you walk up the stairs to your apartment, the guy wants to know your last name. You tell him that you don’t want to disclose that information. He says that he wants to know so that he can find you on Facebook. You tell the dude that you’ll find him. He then shakes his head and says “I thought we were trying to get to know one another?” So he asks again. You cave in and now he knows your government name.

While not taking “no” for an answer is admirable in some instances, in other cases it’s a sign of a sociopath. Watch out.

As I’ve mentioned before, these tactics aren’t exhaustive and don’t apply to all situations. Also, there are plenty of genuine guys who are charming, talk too much, and like to loan chicks stuff. However, these are good indicators that someone is trying to manipulate you.

Remember: No matter how flattering someone seems, if they give you weird vibes don’t be afraid to distance yourself. Especially, when nearly 20% of women in England and Wales have experienced sexual offences (the US has similar figures). Politeness is nice, however your safety comes first.

And knowledge really is power.

– By Erin Johnson 

Tags: After Party Night Out Safety Sexual Predators Smart Girls

Categories: Erin Johnson Love & Relationships Wise up!