October 1, 2013 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

I Can’t Be Happy For You Because I’m Having a Pity Party

I think one of the hardest things in life is to watch someone achieve great things while you are still struggling to get a break.

It was the middle of the week and I was slouched on my parent’s sofa having a good ol’ pity party in my PJs. I had been rejected from a job I had REALLY wanted, and although I am quite a quite a pro in rejection (check out my article Rejection Perfection) on this particular afternoon I just needed to have nice long sulk.

‘Yaz?? Can you answer the phone?’ called my mother from the other room.

The phone was ringing.

‘I’m sorry I can’t move, I’m too depressed.’

(Image via)

‘Don’t be ridiculous. Answer the phone.’ Then she appeared in the doorway.

‘Mum, PLEASE!’ I said, my mouth still crammed with popcorn. ‘I am having a pity party here!‘

She stood there and stared at me unimpressed.

‘The only good thing in my life is this Pumpkin Spice Latte.’ I said, waving the disposable cup in the air above my head dramatically. ‘Don’t you understand? This seasonal beverage is my only source of legitimate joy right now. AND I drove 3 miles into town JUST to get it… So the answer is no, I can’t answer the phone.’

Realising I was a lost cause, she reached over and picked up the phone.

It was my cousin Abby and she had rung to share some big news: she had got a job!

‘Abby’s got a job!’ My mum started chanting next to me. I tried to cocoon myself my duvet to block out the noise. ‘Oh how exciting Abby! When do you start this job? What does your job entail? Getting a job is really hard at the moment. Yaz is finding it hard to get a JOB.’

Job… job… job… it was all I could hear.

My mum then pushed the phone to her collar and whispered ‘Do you want to speak to her??’

‘No.’ I hissed. ‘Tell Abby, I’m happy for her but I can’t speak right now because I need to go upstairs and KILL MYSELF!’ (Not literally.)

‘Ummm Yaz isn’t here right now.’ My mum replied to Abby who was on the other line.

I wanted to be happy for Abby. I really did. She deserved a break-through. And she had worked so hard for it. But I was wallowing so deep in my own self-pity I was unable to share in her joy. My own disappointment in NOT getting the job had blindedsided me to the extent I was unable to celebrate her achievement.

At the time, her victory only highlighted (to me) my own failure. And although Abby has completely different aspirations to me, I couldn’t help feeling envious that she seemed to be making more progress than I was.

Have you ever had relationship envy? Job envy? Career envy? Family envy? You look at someone else’s life and they seem to have it all going for them.

Someone close to me confided that they found it hard to watch the new Richard Curtis film ‘About Time’ because the beautiful father-son relationship in that movie only highlighted for him the dysfunction between himself and his own father. He found it hard to fully enjoy the film as this pang of envy leapt into his chest every time the father-son dynamic was expressed on screen.

You know, it’s okay to feel envy sometimes. And it’s okay to have a pity party once in a while. It’s okay to feel frustrated and angry when other people seem to be moving forward and you feel like you are stuck in the same place. AND It’s okay to sometimes not be in the place to share in someone else’s joy. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT.

BUT, saying that, it’s also important to remember that sharing in other people’s joy is what makes life worth living.

Having a pity party too? Check out this Bridesmaids clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoHbmCJJcSo

Don’t ‘SLAP YOURSELF’. Not sharing in other people’s joy IS LIKE SLAPPING YOURSELF.

If you are a person who is regularly unable to share in other people’s joy I think it’s important to be aware that this can be self-destructive.

Here are some positive ways to look at other people’s success.

1. Let it inspire you.

When other people excel in their lives let their success encourage you. Are there some things you can learn from them? Don’t feel disheartened. If they can do it, so can you!

2. Celebrate with them!

It will be good for you! And it will take your focus off yourself and allow you to step away from your situation and take a breather.

3. Remember: We are not competing in the same race.

We are each running our own races, with our own goals, our own dreams and our own journeys. Sometimes when people close to me have success in their lives I immediately draw comparisons between my life and theirs. The truth is the grass is always greener on the other side. Their dream job may not be your dream job.

4. Know that it’s hard sometimes to feel happy for others, but make the conscious effort to be happy for others anyway.

When you overcome envy, see this as personal victory. It requires great strength and courage to be happy for other people when your life is going tits up, but these are the very characteristics that will give you longevity.

5. Know you are only seeing the end result.

When others achieve great things, don’t forget the journey they went on to get there.

After I had wrapped up my pity party I congratulated Abby. And you know what? It felt bloody good. I actually forgot about my own dismal situation for a moment and felt happy. I made a pact to myself that day that I would always be the person to celebrate other people’s achievements. Why? Because it’s true what they say, a joy shared is a joy doubled.

Have a great week peeps!