It Happens to the Best of Us

So, last week I went for a swim at my local leisure centre. It’s too dark for running in my small village in the middle of Cornish UNESCO country after work unless I’m out at a reasonable hour. And quite frankly – it’s bloody cold.

Anyway, I digress.

The worst happened. The thing every girl in a string-tie bikini always dreads happening but it never, thankfully, does.

Girls, it happened. My bikini top came undone and I was blissfully unaware that my breasticles were on full show for the goggle-eyed men violently doing lengths next to me.

How do you save yourself from that one? How on earth do you recover any sort of dignity from this? Luckily, I’ve been through worse than this – and if you’re having a bad day or you think you’ve had it tough, sleep sound in the knowledge that I made it through these top 4 character building moments.

I dropped my knickers all over town.

No, this is no metaphor and I’m not slyly saying I’m a slut.

My old flat didn’t have a washing machine, so I had to take my laundry back to mother-dearest’s every week. I keep my dirty washing in one of those plastic bucket things with the two handles. Well. As I was walking to my car – 7 metres from my front door – both handles snapped.

It was a windy, busy Saturday morning in Penzance. And my pants were everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I’m not sure I recovered them all. An old man thought about helping me, and then didn’t. The shame, the HORROR.

I asked my mum if she’d fuck my friend.

Another gem.

My 17th birthday, I somehow persuaded my parents it would be a great idea to let me have a party (with no more than 30 friends, promise!) By 2am and with at least 90 people boozing in the house, I was the obligatory mess that every 17 year old is on her birthday.

If I’m honest, I don’t remember much apart from a naked man at the bottom of the set of stairs I was sat on, my mum on the other set of stairs above me and the words “Mum, would you fuck Tom? I’d fuck Tom. Would you?”

Just no. And for the record, I didn’t mean it then and I definitely wouldn’t now. Thought you’d like to know that little bit of info mother.

I went to sleep in a club’s toilets.

On the floor. The bouncer kicked the door open and it just so happened my friend was with her and recognised me by my bum.

Enough said.

Discovered in my pants.

I’m never going to be allowed to forget this one, and I’m hoping my old housemate has deleted the video. But I doubt it.

I got drunk. Really damn drunk. Shitfaced drunk and had to go home to puke and pass out before I threw up on someone. I made it as far as my bathroom – after stripping down to my matching underwear, I was obviously expecting to be seen with no clothes on – before my housemate and the bloke she was seeing came home.

I shouted something from the bathroom floor. She opened the door to find me toilet hugging. What happened next is of epic shame proportions. I made it a whole metre before sitting with my feet on the door and my head between my knees – chatting bollocks no doubt about going out in my underwear.

(Image via)

I then crawled three more metres to my bedroom floor and fell spread-eagled. I didn’t even get as far as my bed. And it’s all on camera.

– you can’t make this shit up.

Have you found yourself in an uncompromising situation? Tell us about it!

Tags: confession cringe drinking humour Life shame

Categories: Cringe Factor