Relationship Broadcasters: I JUST DON’T WANNA KNOW

So you’re blissfully in love. Snuggling next your top totty every night. (Gotta luuuuurve the snuggling!) Romantic candle lit meals at that quaint little Italian place in town. Oo oo oo, remember that time when you got cappuccino froth on your chin? You looked like a  ‘cutsey wootsy Papa Smurf’, and then your beaux wiped it off with her handkerchief and told you it was ‘cute’. 

You were so so happy! It was so sweet, so thoughtful, so detailed. And how do I know all this really intimate stuff about your personal life? Because my dear friend, YOU ARE POSTING IT ON THE INTERNET.

(Image via)

And don’t get me wrong, although I am glad you are happy in all honesty unless it’s a) funny as shit or b) a milestone, such as an engagement or funeral, I hate to say it, but I DON’T CARE!

I mean, is it just me or is anyone else out there fed up with Relationship Broadcasters???

So this all kicked off a few months ago when I saw the Facebook status ‘Me and my man about to watch Indiana Jones with a curry. Perfect night in. I am one lucky girl!’ followed by a flurry of horrid little hearts. 

What are you, some kind of sicko? I felt like voming my mac-and-cheese all over my laptop. I mean, what the hell is wrong with people? Why are you on your smart phone telling me about your life when what you should really be doing is eating your madras and enjoying the company of your man in front of the telly. 

So I guess my big question to Relationship Broadcasters is: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

Why can’t you just DO rather than NARRATE? What ever happened to privacy? Intimacy? What about a phone call? A private text message… even email is good. But why are you making me, a third party, a part of a relationship I DON’T want to be involved in? WHYYYY? I mean sometimes I just feel violated you know. 

‘I got it!’ I said to myself the other day. ‘Maybe it’s simply down to the fact you are not aware you are doing it.’ 

If that’s the case I have devised a quiz just for you…  

The ‘How to Spot If I am a Relationship Broadcaster’ Quiz

Question 1: Your partner makes you breakfast in bed. You know the deal, one with the two egg eyes and a bacon smiley. How do you react?

a) Take out your phone and post an Instagram entitled ‘I’m the luckiest boy/girl in the world…’ 

b) Laugh, say thanks and tuck in.

c) Breakfast in bed – now that’s stuff of dreams. 

d) Nom nom nom…

Question 2: A song plays on the radio that reminds you of your partner. So you (naturally) go on their Facebook wall and tell them about it. What is the song and lyric you post on their PUBLIC wall?

a) ‘I said a hip hop, the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don’t stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie, say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat’ Sugarhill Gang.

b) ‘…because you’re amazing just the way you are’ Bruno Mars. 

c) ‘I will try… to fix you’ Coldplay.

d) ‘Just cos she dances go-go don’t make her a ho, no.’ Wyclef.

Question 3: You’re in the supermarket, your going to make a baked potato supper tonight for two… and that’s when you find a potato in the shape of a heart. YES, no kidding, a potato that looks like a love heart. How do you react?

a) I didn’t even notice it. 

b) My partner doesn’t like potatoes, especially in a baked scenario. Why am I here? 

c) Buy the potato, take it home, bake it right up and serve it up to your beloved with some butter and chilli. 

d) Take a photo and post on Facebook tagging yourself and your partner in the photo. But take home two regular potatoes. 

Question 4: You write your partner a short story about how much they mean to you. Do you…

a) You post it on Facebook as a public document, complete with illustrations and signed with your full name AND company logo. (You’ve also copy righted it for extra security.)

b) I don’t write stories. 

c) You write it out but then chuck it in the bin. You’re partner will probably think you’re a smuck and dump you.

d) Give it to your partner when you are in the privacy of your own home and the moods right. (It’s mushy but hey it’s just between the two of you so who cares.)

RESULTS

Mostly blues – You are a relationship broadcaster. Go slap yourself. 

Mostly purple – Relationship? What’s that?  

Mostly Green – You need to grow a pair because your partner is a massive douche. (Who doesn’t like potatoes?)

Mostly Red – Congratulations. You’re (semi-) normal. 

The quiz is just a bit of fun. But in all seriousness ALL of the questions above have been used by RB’s as an excuse to broadcast their relationships. Stop it. Just stop it now.

If I have to open up my Facebook account to read another mind-numbingly pointless update on your love life I am going to eat my own foot. LITERALLY. Or just block you. I am not saying this because I want your life or I am jealous. I am not saying this because I am resentful or fancy your boyfriend. I am saying this because I find it these early signs of obsessive behaviour highly irritating. 

(Image via)

I think it’s a totally beautiful thing if you are in a relationship and that love overflows onto your Facebook page from time to time. Nothing wrong with that BUT on the other hand, I find couples who over share everything about their relationships on the internet immediately questionable. I mean, who are you talking to? Has reality TV culture done this to you? Do you think people care? Seriously, I’m asking because I don’t know. 

If you, like me, get a bit tired of the behavioral habits of serial Relationship Broadcasters, I hope this helped vent your frustration. Because I don’t know about you, but I just don’t wanna know.

And on that note RANT OVER! 

Have a great week peeps.

Tags: dating Facebook Relationship Broadcasters relationships

Categories: Love & Relationships Rant Yazmin Joy