Halloween Special: Dating Horror Stories

While I was preparing to carve out my pumpkin, slurp malty spiced lattes and cosy up to watch Hocus Pocus – the perfect stay-at-home escape from the icy winter bite, I began pondering the true meaning of All Hallows Eve.

A time  of spooks, ghouls and sociopaths – and that’s when it hit me…. forget Halloween – THIS IS MY DAY TO DAY LIFE!

Man, have I had some dating nightmares in the past few years.

I was once picked up from my house with Akon’s ‘I wanna F**k You’ blaring out my date’s stereo. What the actual f-

I’ve also been sung a wanking song – yes you heard correctly.

And then there was the spitter.

‘Geeze,’ I thought. ‘I mean, is it me? Do I just have high standards?’

After testing the dating pool you really do begin to wonder how many sharks are in the water.

So my dear readers, I went on a pre-Halloween mission to find out how your worst dates measured up with some of cinema’s biggest Halloween icons. So here we go…

The Duel Personality Date

Characteristics: Not all he seems. Likes to assume multiple personalities. Might change gender DURING your date. 

(Image via).

“This guy had been flirting with me for months at a local bar where I worked and one day finally he asked me out, so we went on our date to the movies to watch Collateral with Tom Cruise in it – half way through my date snuck out and went to the toilet – quite some time later he returned and newly dressed as a WOMAN… He just smiled and sat back down next to me – I didn’t know what to say or do as he didn’t react like it was something he had done before – so I excused myself went to the toilet and left him there – we never got to date no 2…” Anonymous, The LASS Bible.

The Fussy Eater Date

Characteristics: Has unusual eating habits – often too much meat not enough veg.

(Image via)

‘I once went on a date with a guy who didn’t eat vegetables or salad. HOW CAN YOU NOT EAT VEGETABLES? You’re 32!? I’m a vegetarian. It wasn’t a match made in heaven – that’s for sure.’ Lisa.

The ‘I Wish I was Somewhere Else’ Date 

Characteristics: He’s the guy who’s just looking for himself. He’s not happy where he is in his life. Thinks he wants a girlfriend, really needs a life coach. 

(Image via)

‘I met Mark on a night out and he seemed like a really cool, demure guy. A week later we went on a first date, but very early on I realised what he was looking for was a THERAPIST not a girlfriend. I spent the whole evening giving him a pep-talk and trying to help him sort out his life. After a very tedious 2 HOUR conversation he finally admitted he wasn’t ready for a relationship and was still in-love with his ex and that going out with me had given him the confirmation he needed that there was no-one else he wanted to be with. Charming. He then gave me some money (for the bill) and left me at the restaurant to take care of the check.’ Louise.

The ‘Relationship Killer’ Date 

Characteristics: Does stupid shit and creates carnage wherever he/she goes. Probably infect you with something. Might have an STI, but on the plus side [s]he will probably warn you about it after [s]he’s had sex with you. Well that’s nice isn’t it! 

( Image via)

‘Me and this guy were doing long distance. After spending an incredibly romantic weekend together in Wales I returned back to my family home in Europe. I was pretty smitten until a few days later he called telling me I needed to get tested immediately because he might have given me chlamydia. SERIOUSLY!? I mean if that’s not a conversation killer, I don’t know what is. As you can imagine I never saw him again.’ Sussie.

PLEASE DON’T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX PEOPLE. Wear a condom. Don’t be a dick. Ladies, this is just as much your responsibility.

The ‘Disappearing Act’ Date

Characteristics: One minute he’s there the next minute he’s gone. Usually quite young. Acts very sweet and gentlemanly. Prone to disappearing acts.

(Image via)

So it’s the end of the night and you’ve had a wonderful date. You walk hand in hand in the moonlight, ahh so romantic. As you turn to say goodbye he leans in for a kiss.

Next day you wait for his call. Nothing. Minutes, hours, days pass. You decide to text him – hey I’m a 21st century chick – I’m allowed to take action – you think. Nothing.

This has happened to couple of my friends and what I don’t understand is why so many guys kiss girls they are not interested in on the first date!

Are you trying to be kind? Do you think we can’t handle rejection?

Trust me guys, if you go on a date with a women you don’t see yourself meeting again – making out with them is kinda a douche bag thing to do. If we girls can squeeze a baby out of our vagina I think we are capable of having you reject us.

The ‘Horny Serial-Dater’ Date

Characteristics: Likes boobs, tits and jugs. Likes to make lewd sexual advances on a first date. Serial dater, multiple victims. Often stares at you.

(Image via)

‘I went on a movie date and the guy insisted on finding out how far I would go on the first date. He also informed me that he ‘had no limits’ (to put it nicely). In the movie he proceeded to sniff my neck and tell me I smelt good, before proceeding to talk (loudly), laugh (hysterically), and periodically stare at me throughout the movie. It was creepy.’ Jo.

Epilogue

While I was writing this article and reading your stories I got to thinking about the real monsters we all face within ourselves when it comes to dating someone new…

The Relationship Ghost We Need to Give Up

Characteristics: The one you need to say goodbye to. 

(Image via)

A few weeks ago. I was on top of the world. I was back in London and the opportunities were reeling in. Coming home from a schmoozy event, I slumped on the sofa and pulled out my phone to check my messages – and there it was, my greatest demon staring back at me: my past. A message from the guy who had broken my heart so many years ago flashed on my phone. I felt momentarily sick.

And that’s when I realised, yes we all have dating nightmares from time to time – it’s inevitable – but sometimes the real horrors we need to face are in our own hearts.

Dating nightmares don’t have to become living horror stories (unless you get clymydia – that’s pretty horrendous to be honest). 

We all can clear the cobwebs of our past and start a fresh – all we really need to do is watch our backs, show a bit of courage and most importantly give up the ghosts that hold us back. And that night, I decided to do exactly that.

Let’s not forget, although this post was mainly from a female POV, chicks can be just as bad. It really isn’t a gender thing – but more of a individual thing.

Just also want to give a massive shout out to all those amazing guys out there restoring my faith in chivalry! I salute you!

Have a great week peeps! Happy Halloween! 

x

P.S. Have you got a dating horror story? Let us know. Blokes, that means you too!

If you enjoyed this article, why not check out ‘How to Lose a Girl on One Date: A First Date Story’?

(This post was first published on 28th October 2013)

Tags: bad date dating horror story Halloween humour Joy love

Categories: Love & Relationships Yazmin Joy