December 27, 2014 - Written by: Erin Johnson

When Your Fears Come True

I sat sulking last Saturday evening feeling like a mix of Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch. It was five days before Christmas and my holiday spirit was nowhere to be found. All I could think about was how I was so over December. I felt like crawling above Whoville and yelling ‘bah humbug!’ to all the merrymakers below.

So far December had its share of disappointment. Earlier in the month, an illness flared up causing some pretty bad muscle pain and culminating in me (temporarily, thank God) losing the ability to walk properly.

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And just a few hours earlier I had witnessed what could be best described as a bizarre zoological event. My four otherwise vibrant cockatiels, Dinner Bell Johnson, George Exótico Johnson, Lionel Ritchie Johnson, and Big Bird Johnson all died suddenly within the span of an hour. All I could do as they were dying was watch and sing softly to them. I had those birds for nearly 15 years, and had seen three of them grow from squealing chicks into extremely chirpy adults. Now their cage was eerily quiet.

I realised that these two events, not being able to walk right or help my little parrots, represented something. They represented my fear of losing control.

As I lay in bed that night, I thought back to the previous eleven months, and how other fears had manifested. Such as my fears of failure and having a close friend randomly ditch me. I wasn’t only over December, but I was over 2014 as a whole.

Then I thought about fears in general.

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They’re something that we try often push into the back of our minds and run from, along with debt collectors and awkward conversations with exes. And like the later two, eventually we have to confront them. Sure, many times we have fears that are overblown. Like I have some pretty far out ones that sound straight out of a book of conspiracy theories.

However, there are times when our fears stare us in the face.

I thought back again to my previous fears that had come true earlier in the year. My failures had paved the way for opportunities with greater promise. And the ending of my friendship allowed for more room to focus on healthier relationships. All I could do was hope that the more recent events would evolve into something greater as well.

The next morning my father and I stood under an evergreen tree in our backyard as we buried my birds. I was still freaked out about how they all managed to croak at once, but I thought about the bright side. Although they were animals, I’d like to think the little guys were in a better place. They were probably flying around somewhere together, eating millet, and whistling shrilly to their favourite song, “Lovin’ You” by Minnie Riperton. Either way, they were finally free.

And as for me, my muscle pain had subsided. I regained the ability to walk normally, lift boxes over a couple of kilograms, drive, and other things that I often took for granted. Before I knew it, I’d probably have the strength to run a marathon. Or at least take a Zumba class without screaming.

My holiday spirit eventually started to return as the week went on. And I thought more about the impact of fears. Yes, they are unsettling when they first come true, but eventually they pass. Also, many times the anticipation of what we fear is the worst part. It can be paralysing and delay the inevitable.

But perhaps the most important thing that I learned is that confronting your fears can lead to growth. Sometimes they can stand in your way of developing into who you are truly meant to be.