February 18, 2015 - Written by: Joaquim Silva

Compare Leads To Despair: Why You Should Stop Comparing and Start Living

It’s time to be honest, every now and then I compare myself to others.

Sometimes it’s other writers who are more successful than me, and other times it’s people who I don’t even know, but it seems like they’re living extraordinary lives. One things for certain, at the end of the thought train, my feelings about myself hit rock bottom.

Ever since I started this journey of being a writer, I’ve been incredibly hard on myself. Yes I want to improve, and yes I want to catch up to my idols, but because I’m not there ‘yet’ I compare…

Years ago I learnt a magical phrase – ‘Compare leads to despair’.

I’m going to say it one more time… Compare leads to despair.

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From now on, whenever you catch yourself on that horrid thought train, derail those bad thoughts with that phrase.

But don’t get me wrong, not all comparing is bad, I still believe you can compare yourself with ambitious connotations, but I’m identifying with the compulsive comparing, the kind that rears its ugly head and makes people feel miserable.

So it begs the question, why do we compare ourselves to others?

1. Ever-changing Success

From a young age we’re conditioned to always move the success scale higher and higher. With this logic you’re almost guaranteed to feel unhappy about yourself, because every time you experience success, you just move the goalpost of what success looks like to you.

You finally get that A – so now you have to get that A*
You finally get that 1st degree – but now you have to get a masters
You finally hit your sales target – so now you have to hit a bigger sales target!

(Courtesy of Shawn Achor – The Happiness Advantage)

The definition of success varies within the individual, and everyone’s path is different. So if you’re an upcoming actress and you subconsciously/consciously start comparing yourself to Angelina Jolie, you must remember that your comparison isn’t 100% accurate. Her strengths and weaknesses are different, her belief system/desire may have been different, and lastly her resources and options may have been different.

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2. The Happiness Deception

When we stop pretending and explore the dark feelings that reside in the crevices of our soul, sometimes we may discover… we’re not really happy.

‘No matter how cleverly you sneak up on a mirror, your reflection will always look at you in the eye’
Louis Cyphere

Try remembering a time or a moment when you were truly happy. Maybe you just graduated or got a promotion, or maybe you finally landed that record/publishing deal. In such moments of euphoria I doubt you were comparing yourself to the likes of Jay Z or J.K. Rowling.

Now in my opinion society and the media play a big role in how we compare ourselves. They secretly work behind the scenes flaunting depictions and fabrications of how one’s life should look.

So don’t be fooled by the smoke and mirrors this all done to further consumerism and fill their pockets with money.

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3. How to Crash the Comparison Train for Good

Stop and smell the roses – look back to when you first started and congratulate yourself for all you’ve done. We’re told by polite society to be modest in our efforts but screw all that! Sometimes it’s good to take pride in our achievements and accolades.

Accept yourself & Reframe – Accept who you are and more importantly who you’re not. Also when you see others who are more successful than you, reframe the insecure comparisons by telling yourself – “All of those great things are possible for me too!”

Identify comparison triggers – Maybe those magazines and Instagram feeds are the cause of your problem? Try and identify what things cause you to start comparing and eliminate them.

Final Thoughts

Remember that you yourself are already perfect and you have everything inside of you in order to succeed. So stop comparing and start living!

‘You’ve no idea how hard I’ve looked for a gift to bring you. What’s the point of bringing gold to the gold mine, or water to the Ocean. It’s no good giving my heart and soul because you already have these. I’ve brought you a mirror. Look at yourself and remember me’.
Rumi