Why We Need To Talk About Mutual Consent

I remember sitting with a couple of friends at university drinking tea one cold November evening. I remember it vividly because it was the night a friend told me that she had been sexually assaulted.

She didn’t report him because she felt, at the time, she was to blame. She said she felt responsible for him getting the wrong idea. She was afraid he would get angry.

But what about him? Didn’t he stop and think something was wrong when she started to cry? Didn’t he think to ask her if she was okay when she started to bleed? He didn’t. He continued and when he finished he ejaculated on her and threw her a towel.

What constitutes ‘Mutual Consent’? 

Is it a person’s body language? Is it literally verbalising ‘yes’? Is it something we need to learn how to read in other people? If someone wants to have sex with you it should be pretty obvious, right?

But with 80,000 women raped per year in the UK, things are not so black and white. We need to talk about what constitutes mutual consent. An increasing amount of offenders are getting away with sexual violence and rape without a trial, or without even a conviction. Why? Because if there is no physical bruising or bodily harm it is extremely difficult to prove that the act was not consensual. This is a big problem as it puts off victims from coming forward.

In the film Brave Miss World, Morgan shares her experience.

‘Because he didn’t physically bruise me or beat me up there wasn’t enough evidence for the DA to convict him… when I went to the DA she said that she thought he was cute and she tried to convince me that I had just had a weak moment’.

Thanks to grassroots campaigns like Everyday Sexism and films like Brave Miss World, finally, women are coming forward to share their experiences –  purely to give others the message ‘this is what happened to me’ and ‘you are not alone’. As a result they are providing the data and statistics to finally initiate action from the government and authorities.

When I recently went to the event What Feminism Should be Demanding from the Election at the House of Commons, organised by The People’s Parliament, Laura Bates of Everyday Sexism spoke about the obstacles for victims: from tribunal fees (that low income women could not afford), victim blaming within the criminal justice system and lack of education and support in schools from the government.

Last week, new rape laws were introduced stating that convicted men had to prove that the woman had said ‘yes’ to prove innocence. I do believe this is a step forward in the proceedings because, for the first time in history, we are starting to move away from blaming the victim.

I hope it is effective, but in reality it’s not without its difficulties. Many people I know, bring up the point that innocent men may fall victim to false allegations under this amendment. This is a fair observation and one I hope doesn’t come as a result of these changes.

It’s worth mentioning that these laws are NOT INTENDED TO TRAP MEN on the pull, they are about FINDING JUSTICE and PROTECTING those vulnerable within our society, men and women. With time we’ll see whether these amendments are helpful in bringing criminals to justice.

Rape culture early on…

One of the ways to start tackling this rape epidemic is to look at the root of the problem. Rape culture and violence against women is rife, it’s in the media and it’s starting from a young age.

(Image via)

There are two issues that I feel need to be addressed: 

1. Girls often feel disempowered when it comes to sex. How can we empower girls to say ‘no’?

2. Rape culture is normalising violence towards women. How do we counter this, and educate our boys and girls on what healthy relationships look like?

The onslaught of reports from ordinary girls, concerned teachers and parents on the Everyday Sexism site echo the same message: that young girls are being pressured to have sex by their peers.

If you don’t want to have sex you are called ‘frigid’ or ‘a prick tease’. If you do have sex, you are ‘a slut’ or a ‘whore’. You can’t win. Name calling is bullying, it’s manipulation. After a while you begin to think this is normal.It’s this sort of playground pressure that makes it difficult to say ‘no’. If you dress provocatively, or have a dance with a guy in a club you feel like you owe them. You’ve led them on so you must face the consequences. But ladies, the truth is YOU DON’T OWE SHIT.

Good guys (and there are many of them) won’t mind if you say ‘no’.

How we can take action NOW?

It’s all of our responsibility to look out for our girls and boys and one of the ways we can do this is by demanding that the next government introduces compulsory education on sex and mutual consent. It’s our job to to not allow the first resource for sex to be porn and the media.

Schools Safe 4 Girls is a campaign funded by Comic Relief, and is a way to get parents, students and women’s groups working with schools to ensure the safety of our girls.

The objectives include: 

• Giving children the information they need about sexual consent and respectful relationships, including through compulsory SRE and ongoing teacher training as part of a ‘whole school approach’ to violence against women and girls

• Long term investment in public campaigns to change harmful attitudes and behaviours, learning from the THINK! road safety campaign

• Tackle misogynistic images of women in the media that condone and normalise abuse

• A law to ensure that all survivors of abuse have specialist support, whether or not they report. 

End Violence Against Women have joined with Everyday Sexism to start a petition to provide compulsory education on Mutual Consent in schools. Please do sign the petition. And please consider this issue when you vote at this year’s election. It’s a start… It’s progress.

Thanks for reading peeps. This is heavy but it’s something I believe we can combat together.

Have a great week!

x

Why not check out ‘Feminism for Dudes: 6 Reasons Guys Need to Speak Up!’? 

Tags: Everyday Sexism Joy mutual consent

Categories: Empowerment: Man! I feel Like a Woman! From the Heart Yazmin Joy