April 27, 2015 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

On Being Good at Receiving: Why I’m Learning to Take the Donuts

I have a problem with accepting people’s help.

It just gives me a real icky feeling in my gut. The feeling I have failed to do something on my own. Or that I am a burden. Or that I am indebted. Then I feel enveloped by the magnitude of my debts to people who have showed me kindness and swallowed by the fear that I will never be able to repay them.

I take pride in being independent. I always envisioned myself being self-sufficient. But I’m having to set my pride aside to follow my dreams and along the way accept help when it is offered. And not only that, challenge my way of thinking about help…

Here are a few lessons I have learnt about the act of giving and receiving that I hope might encourage you if you have ever been in this situation:

Help is a gift.

My finances are often on top of my mind, but I find it very hard to accept the gift of money. In the past I have said ‘no’ out of pride or just plain outrage. Do I look that destitute? Until it came to the point that I had to confront my ego about it.

I had to ask myself: What is the bigger picture here?

After a great deal of pondering I realised that I was looking at help in the wrong way. Instead of looking at help as a gift I was focusing on my own ego.

If you have struggled with accepting help I want to tell you: Having help is not shameful, it is a blessing. Don’t nullify the opportunity by feeling bad about it, instead see it as a gift… or… as a donut…

Why I’m learning to take the donuts.

For artists it’s hard. Really hard. Getting help while you pursue your art is torture because a niggling part of you keeps saying ‘You don’t deserve this’.

In The Art of Asking, which was born out of the TED Talk of the same name, my she-hero Amanda Palmer talks about how she overcame her fear of asking for support in her career and her relationships.

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Amanda explains why we shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for what we want. Throughout her musical career she has crashed in fan’s houses, asked for financial help and went on to run the most successful crowd funding campaign of all time in order to produce an album after she was dropped by her record label.

Amanda talks about ‘taking the donuts’ (meaning ‘accepting help’):

‘Taking the donuts is hard for a lot of people.

It’s not the act of taking that’s so difficult, it’s more the fear of what other people are going to think when they see us slaving away at our manuscipt about the pure transcendence of nature and the importance of self reliance and simplicity. While munching on someone else’s donut’.

And then…

‘To the artists, creators. scientists, nonprofit-runnners, librarians, strange thinkers, start-uppers, and innoventors, to all the people everywhere who are afraid to accept the help, in whatever form it’s appearing:

Please, take the donuts’.

Her book was a blessing at a time that I needed someone to tell me it was okay to receive help in my life. That I wasn’t pathetic. Asking for help doesn’t have to be tainted with self loathing. It is an act that should be received with gratitude and joy.

It’s better to give with no strings attached.

You can’t change your attitude towards receiving without addressing the meaning of giving.

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Giving is not about giving with interest. What are you, a bank?!?!

The only way both people benefit from the act of giving is when you give with your whole heart and expect nothing in return.

Easier said then done, I know. But I learnt the hard way.

A few years back, I gave someone money at a time when money was scarce for me. They promised to pay me back. They never did. It destroyed my trust for that person. Every time I ate dahl and rice (the only thing I could afford to eat at that time) I resented them.

From then on I made a decision: I would never give anything with the expectation of getting it back. And if I couldn’t afford to give, I wouldn’t. But I would try my best to give what I could.

Final ponderings…

Accepting someone’s help is a challenge for me, but I’m learning how to accept other people’s generosity – look them in the eye, and say… THANK YOU.

When we receive we shouldn’t carry the burden of expectation but rather bask in the promise of great things to come. (See Amanda, I’m learning to take the donuts!)

Have a great week peeps!

If you enjoyed this article, why not check out ‘Are you Successful? 4 Questions You Need to Ask Yourself’?