May 26, 2015 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

How to NOT Lose Friends and Alienate People (During a Breakup)

Let’s get real, when you go through a break up you might act like a bit of a douchebag towards your friends. Being the ‘best friend’ in someone else’s breakup situation is a privilege and a joy but it’s also EMOTIONALLY DRAINING, man!

I know, I know, you don’t mean to. You’re NOT a bad person. You’re going through internal hell. But, sometimes, when we are caught up in our own shit, we can lose sight of what’s happening in the real world. We can take our friends for granted, fail to take interest in their lives. We can overlook the fact that they might be going through their own pain.

We can be Miss Take-Take-Takinstein and never give anything back to the people who give us the most. This will do more damage then good, because the cardinal rule of friendship is I’ll be there for you, you’ll be there for me. NOT: I’ll just suck the life out of you because I’m a mess.

The dynamic between you and your besties can be delicate during a breakup but by creating boundaries with your friends you are protecting your relationship with them.

Here are 3 ways you might be pissing off your friends, and some boundaries to help you protect your friendship:

1. You can’t stop talking about your breakup.

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It’s the first thing you think about when you wake up, the last thing you think about before you go to bed. You miss your ex. Maybe you’re still in shock. When you meet up with your friends there is so much you need to get off your chest. You’re in pain. You know it, they know it. How do they know it? Because you CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

This behaviour can sever the connection rather than strengthen the relationship between you and your mates.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t open your heart to your friends. You should! That’s what friends are for. Plus, talking is a valuable part of the healing process. Just be mindful that other people have their own shit to deal with.

Boundary: Try and read your friends’ body language. If they are showing signs of restlessness then maybe it’s time to change the subject for a while.

2. You’re being an Ask Hole.

An Ask Hole is a person who continually asks for your advice and then does the opposite of what you tell them.

Infuriating. I have been on the receiving end of Ask Hole behaviour with some of my mates and it’s SOUL DESTROYING. Why? Because listening and giving advice is a task that the best friend takes seriously. It requires thought and effort and energy. Plus, it’s a big responsibility. If you, the person going through a breakup, continually abuse and disregard the advice of your friends and keep crying to them with the same problem then – I’m sorry to break this to you – but YOU ARE BEING A GRADE A ASK HOLE.

Boundary: Does this sound familiar? Do you ask a lot of questions and then ignore the advice given to you? Maybe you should ask yourself: Do I really want advice? Or do I just want validation for what I have already decided to do?

If it’s the latter then you’re probably pissing off your friends by asking them the same question over and over. On the other hand, if your friends keep giving you bad advice, and you know it, maybe you shouldn’t ask them for their advice at all.

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3. You get mad when your friends don’t give you the response you are looking for.

Let’s get one thing straight, your friends are not mind-readers or psychic or GOD. They don’t always have the best advice.

There’s a saying: an opinion is like an asshole, everyone’s got one. And believe me: everyone will have an opinion about your breakup. Some might say it behind your back, others might say it graciously to your face. But it’s important you use your own discernment to recognise what is truth and what is opinion.

Of course your friend’s opinions matter but it’s equally important to recognise that often it’s easier for them to analyse your ex’s behaviour than yours, because at the end of the day you are the person sitting in front of them.

Here are some reasons why (with the best intentions) your friends might not always give you good post-breakup advice:

a) They tell you what they think you WANT to hear rather than what you SHOULD hear.

He’s a prick. He doesn’t deserve you. You’re better than him. These comments sound familiar? Sometimes they’re great. Exactly what you needed to hear. Yeah you’re right. He IS a bastard. Other times – not so helpful or constructive.

b) They may have a negative bias against your ex.

Let’s face it, in your relationship you might have talked more about the bad times than the good to your friends. This may have resulted in them forming a negative bias towards your ex because everything they know has been filtered by, guess what, YOU. They will respond accordingly. So don’t expect them to give a non-biased perspective – if that’s what you’re looking for.

c) They can only give you advice based on their own experience.

We can only advise as far as we know, right? Every relationship is different, but our friends will use their experiences to connect with us and offer their advice. Sometimes this is spot on. Other times this advice can be misguiding.

Boundary: It’s easy to get frustrated with your besties when you are looking for answers and no one is giving the response you are looking for. But it’s important not to get mad with your friends. More often than not they’re only trying to help. Don’t retaliate or get resentful towards them.

If you want a fresh perspective maybe talk to a person who is outside your immediate friendship circle – they might be able to give you more objective advice. When it comes to your friends: LISTEN, ENGAGE and then LEARN what to take as genuine solid advice and what’s said out of passion to make you feel better.