Congratulations – But Where Did Your Name Go?
Treasures, we’ve reached the end of the wedding season, and something’s just not marrying up in my mind (marrying? Geddit? I slay me). This summer, I couldn’t check my Facebook newsfeed at the weekend without a friend’s wedding pictures appearing. As I admired the dresses, the happy couple and the ‘doesn’t she look beautiful!’ statuses, my eyes always wandered over to the bride’s name.
I’d scroll around to find the tags. ‘Did she change it? Did she change it?!’ I went to a girls’ school, so many of my friends getting married are young women.
And when I saw they had changed their surname to their new husband’s, my heart would sink a little.
‘Really?’ I’d think. ‘Why did you change your name? Why isn’t there even a double barrel? Where has your name gone, sister?!’ Your name is a huge part of your identity. Should marriage rip that identity from you?
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To be honest, I’m always a bit disappointed when I see that a friend of mine has got married and taken her partner’s name. It makes me worry that this marriage tradition, along with the bride’s family paying for the entire wedding and men asking the woman’s parents if he can marry her, keeps feeding the archaic notion that a woman is the possession of her husband. This does not wash with me one bit.
I’m not even sure what modern men think of all this. A guy once told me that he wouldn’t marry a woman who wanted to change her name to his, but that’s someone who has actually thought about it.
My issue used to be that, even in 2015, couples weren’t even discussing what their names would be when they married.
However, I was expressing my bugbear over lunch with my friend Linda at the beginning of the year when she mentioned she would be taking her boyfriend Tim’s name when they tied the knot. When I protested, it turns out that they had talked about this change, and that Tim even brought up the possibility of changing his name to hers. I was pleasantly surprised, and I was happy to be proved wrong.
But – although couples may have the discussion, the decision is almost always skewed in favour of the man. Seems an odd coincidence, doesn’t it? Are we women brainwashed by the patriarchy to expect to change our names when we get married? There are few examples I can think of where my friends retain their original surname, or are double barrelling with their husbands.
I only know of one case where a man has taken his wife’s surname. So why are women today still choosing to change their names upon marriage, or indeed, not?
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I decided to ask my sister who had to make this decision two years ago. She said:
When I was a kid, I hated my surname, so I always thought I’d jump at the chance to change it. But when my husband and I got engaged, the prospect of taking his name suddenly felt shocking. Why would I do such a thing? It made no sense.
We came up with a solution. I would add my husband’s name to my own and make my maiden name my middle name, and he would also take on my maiden name as his middle name. When we had kids, they would have the same. One family, two names. Not that we’ve bothered with any of it yet – too much paperwork!
A healthy compromise, some would say. My sister has still kept Engineer as her name professionally as she has built her reputation upon it. But when children come into the picture, Engineer as their middle name will largely be ignored.
Someone once said to me, ‘I haven’t changed my surname to my husband’s, but when kids come, they’ll take their dad’s surname because they’ve got to have something’. All right, but why automatically the father’s? Why is YOUR surname, the mother, the woman who gives life to a child, being completely written out of your son or daughter’s identity? What is fair about that?
I read a powerful article a few months ago on the cultural history of the practice, and some of the stories of strong women who fought to keep their names. It made me think of my own future name. Engineer is highly memorable, and very few names could take its place. I used to think that if Mr Right’s surname were cooler than mine, I would change it. Now, I don’t think I will.
At the end of the day, I suppose as long as the couple has sat down and talked about it, it’s all right. But if that’s really the case, I’d like to see some more men taking their wife’s name instead of it always being the other way round.
I’ve created my own solution (if Mr Right will agree) – if I get married, I’ll keep my name and he can keep his. But when children materialise, we get to play a game of chance: any sons can take their father’s surname, and any daughters can take mine. That’ll be a fun one to explain to airport security!
But what do YOU think? I need your opinions on this one, people! If you’ve been married recently, did you change your name and why? If not, why not? And gents, what’s your take on all this? I really want to know!
Tags: Feminism Joy marriage relationships society Women
Categories: Empowerment: Man! I feel Like a Woman! Love & Relationships Rant Wise up!
10 Comments
Your sister sounds like a fine, upstanding young woman.
That she is.
Apart from the ‘young’ bit. She’s actually very old. Really, really old.
No food for you.
Advance apologies for this essay- I’ve spent a lot of time over the last two years thinking about this!
I got married over the summer (as Facebook no doubt did not let you ignore). For most of my life I, like many others I’m sure, had always assumed I would take my husband’s surname since that is the default and didn’t think any more about it. Once I got engaged, I started contemplating the loss of my surname, while still not acknowledging the option to keep it. I spent some time a year ago sitting and practising my future signature, trying to get excited about this change, but still only able to think about how much I like being Romina Meewella. Still, I felt I had no choice. I brought my feelings up often with Chris and he always told me it was up to me. I knew he really wouldn’t mind so I started thinking about it more..
Reasons to change it:
1. Airport security with children – actually pretty easy to solve but so many people bring it up you assume it must be a good reason
2. Everyone asssuming I would – wanting to avoid people judging me for not changing my name was a less good, but still understandable, reason
Reasons not to:
1. It didn’t make any sense to me that I should have Chris’s label smacked on me.
2. I am me and like being me and didn’t want to feel like I was losing part of that.
Over the next few months, I umm-ed and ahh-ed and ended up deciding to change my surname and keep Meewella as a middle name. It was a compromise but I still wasn’t happy about it- no one but we would realistically notice it was there in the middle of all the others. A week before the wedding, Chris’s mum was printing our table plan and called us to point out I’d written my name wrong because I would be Romina Cooling by the time we sat down to eat. In that moment, I had to make a decision. And it got easier. Somehow knowing that I had one last chance to change my mind was the push I needed to go with my gut. What was on that one circle of card was final in my mind and I finally found the courage to make sure it was what I wanted. I got married and I’m still Romina Meewella and I couldn’t be happier about it.
Plenty of people still assume and call me Mrs Cooling. When I tell them I’m still a Meewella, a lot of people I assume that I mean right now, like I haven’t done some paperwork yet. I nod and smile when I need to and going through the same conversation with dozens of people is not as bad as I thought it would be because each time is a reminder that I won this battle (with the world and myself). Chris and I have rediscussed our children’s names since- I initially resigned myself to them being Coolings but I accepted this for less than a day. We’ll probably double-barrel. My name will probably be first, simply because it sounds better that way. Chris was concerned about what we’ll be letting our daughter in for when she has to decide what to do when she gets married if she’s already double-barreled. I say she can thank us when the time comes and she gets to write a similar essay about her decision..
Romina – brava, sister! I was definitely wondering about your decision when weeks passed without your surname changing on Facebook. I’m so pleased you kept Meewella, that you thought about it long and hard, and eventually made a choice that makes you happy. The Meewella-Cooling children will be proud! I know a little girl who has to stand up to the surname Litosseliti-Russell, so in comparison, your children will be getting a relatively easy time.
My question would be, did Chris consider changing his name, and gaining yours as a middle name or anything? Because that’s also a big part of the conversation…
I think that it is completely up to each individual person and couple what they want to do with their names. I don’t know for definite because I haven’t spoken to everyone in the world, but I think that most people, women included, just don’t find it objectionable for the woman to change her name when they marry. Most people like the tradition and like the idea of having the same name for the family they are starting together, as it is another way for the family to bind together. I also think it is a little unfair to say that the women who are ok with changing their name have been ‘brainwashed by the patriarchy.’ I reckon most women have thought about it and decided that it just doesn’t bother them to change their name. Just because women accept a ‘patriarchal’ norm doesn’t mean they were brainwashed or coerced into it. I accept that it is to an extent a matter of pride for some men that their wives take their names, and maybe the women are doing it to please their husbands because it means a lot to the man and very little to the woman. I’m just speculating here because I obviously don’t know the minds of every woman. In any case, if a woman doesn’t want to change her name she doesn’t have to, it isn’t really a big deal. The guy will get over it. However, because it isn’t a big deal it should be realised that, while some people may think that the tradition of a woman changing her name upon marriage is a tool to somehow subjugate women, it doesn’t subjugate women. Well, maybe it does, but I don’t know how. I would be very pleased to hear a reasoned argument of how, in today’s times, women changing their name is somehow detrimental to women’s rights, or something of that ilk. I’m not trying to be smarmy, I genuinely want to know. So a woman takes her husband’s name? Big whoop! How has that lessened her agency or her value as a person? And I mean in real, tangible terms, that might actually affect a person beyond a hypothetical or intellectual way. I think the reason people don’t go for double barrelled names is because they sound too posh. Also, consider that if every time someone got married they double barrelled their name: zeta-jones marries Wheatley-smith and becomes zeta-jones-Wheatley-smith, and when their kid gets married to someone else with 4 surnames… It just gets out of control! In conclusion, I don’t really think it matters, but if a woman wants to take her husband’s name I think it is fair enough. If a man wants to take his wife’s name then that is also fine. Let each couple decide what they want and their reasons aren’t really any concern of other people. If a woman is happy to take her husband’s name then other people should be happy for her that she is happily married and leave it at that. Maybe once upon a time the whole name thing was used as part of a regime to oppress women, but I really can’t see how it does that any more. And IF it is just an archaic remnant of a bygone era, then let people use it as they want. If the woman CHOOSES for whatever reason to take her husband’s name then she has her own agency and has not become subjugated. And believe me, this subject is so topical these days that everyone who gets married has thought about it. If they haven’t spoken about it, it’s because both parties were happy with the existing tradition and saw no reason to change it. If one party has a strong opinion either way then of course it should be discussed, but if not, what’s wrong with sticking to the tradition? In my (albeit limited) experience, most women just don’t care much. That is my opinion as an unmarried man.
Sam, you’ve said repeatedly that ‘women don’t care much’ about this subject and ‘it’s not a big deal’. When actually, lots of women who opened up on Facebook regarding this issue DO care and have actually thought about why they’re changing or not changing their names. And I must say, most have declared that there was an explanation behind their decision, which I wholeheartedly accept.
However – women NOT thinking about this subject, and NOT having the conversation with their partners, concern me. It’s the apathy that I disagree with. By blindly accepting your husband’s name, you are giving up a core part of your identity in favour for his. Why? Because historically, you are his chattel and possession and he owns you. I disagree with this in the same way I disagree with a man asking permission from the woman’s parents to marry her. If my dad was asked by my boyfriend to marry me, he’d be angry because I’m my own woman and he doesn’t own me. So what’s it got to do with him? (His words.)
I saw a play this year about a Jewish family, and one hardcore Jewish woman said to another character that Jews didn’t get tattoos because tattoos were used to brand them during the Holocaust. That’s a bloody good reason for a Jew to be against tattoos, in my mind! I see a similar case with this name thing. Men hardly ever change their names and women do. It’s a one-way name trade and it’s that one-way tradition I don’t agree with. Because once you sit down and analyse the facts of where it originated from, it’s not so easy to accept unless, like a friend of mine, you hated your father and this was a good opportunity for you to be rid of his name.
In the same way that I am against women not voting after so many fought and died for the right to do so, so I reject the one-way name trade. It’s almost always women replacing or double-barrelling their name, and the man hardly ever changes his at all. Why? Because ‘it’s tradition’. Yes, it’s tradition for a woman to be branded by her husband like a farmer does a cow. And in doing so, you set the expectation of traditional gender roles within the marriage, which in many cases is that the woman is beholden to the man. It just does not wash with me.
In short, your argument is flawed because it is based on the assumed apathy of women and ignorance of the tradition when in fact, lots of women do care if you asked them.
Shiraz, I’m also totally perplexed by this question. As a kid, I had my Dad’s name but ALWAYS thought my Mum’s was cooler, perhaps because she was always so feisty about it. Every time she was addressed as Mrs Sutherland (whether by a telemarketer or a doctor’s surgery receptionist), she would either hang up the phone or flip out at them for not recognising her as an individual person.
Now that I’m happy using my Dad’s surname (The S in ‘Cas’ is pretty reliant on it…) I think I’ll be keeping my name if I get married. Whether or not I get married, I will allow my kids to choose their names (whether his, mine or some combination). One of my best friends in childhood had a double-barrelled name and all four of this couple’s kids chose to keep the Mum’s Italian surname and drop their Dad’s. I think it will always be a case of negotiation and compromise; I think discussion is extremely important for maintaining a healthy, happy relationship with whoever you marry/have kids with.
Thanks, Cas! A good summary 🙂 Now I’m intrigued to find out what your mum’s surname is!