The Ex-Terminator: I Can Forgive But Can I Forget?

When you return to your hometown at Christmas, there are two things that are imminent.  One is that you find yourself entering a time warp. I basically return to the year 2008 every time I go home. Everything I thought I left behind since moving away to the city is still preserved in the banks of childhood memory. Secondly, that you will definitely bump into the ex that broke your heart and stole your money. (Just me? Okay then.)

I had many fantasies about how I would see him across the local high street and yell out in an American accent: ‘YO, WHERE’S MY MONEY BITCH!’  

Of course, I completely forgot to do that when the opportunity came, and instead – BECAUSE I AM IN A TIME WARP – I acted as if nothing had happened. Remarkable. I couldn’t control the actions of my own body. Before I knew it my ex and I were locked in an embrace.

My hair all frizzy and wind swept because of the rain and make up running down my face. I didn’t even wax my goddamn tash. I looked like some kind of  wild feral woman. Fml.

(Note to self: ALWAYS DRESS LIKE A QUEEN WHEN RETURNING TO HOMETOWN.)

Of course, the cruel CRUEL universe conspires to test my character in the face of relationship past.

Then my ex asked the question I had been dreading: ‘Did you want to go for a drink some time?’

O gawd. Did I? I didn’t know. What an unexpected question in an unanticipated scenario.

For a moment I forgot all the pain. All the hurt. The guy that ended a relationship of almost four years on the phone by telling me to ‘get the hint’.

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Oh no, he didn’t.

Here was my dear friend: my past – IN THE PRESENT. Mind-fuck or what? This was the guy who brought me flowers every period. Who wrote me love letters. LOVE LETTERS, PEOPLE! But this this also the guy who took advantage of me and refused to pay me the money I lent him to pay his rent after we broke up.

‘Yes, sure.’ I blurted out, not really thinking it through.  What. Am. I. Saying!?!?

Later that day, the encounter got me pondering the subject of exes.

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Can you be friends with an ex?

It it even ethical? I don’t know. Maybe it depends on how serious the relationship was? Or how it ended?

They say that time heals all. I don’t know if that is completely true. For me, it’s a case of out of sight, out of mind. I don’t really think about it so much anymore. Ask me in 10 years time and maybe I’ll give you a different answer.

Is it better to terminate all contact with the ghosts of relationship past?

Or can we rebuild friendship from the rubble of bygone boyfriends?

I love my ex – like a person loves a memory. It’s bitter sweet. That love exists in the past. But in the present, it doesn’t exist in the same way. It brings sadness and pain. PAIN, PEOPLE! Unless you have no heart: then you might not feel anything.

The more I thought about it, I realized this wasn’t about him. This was about ME!

Could I forgive? And if I could forgive, could I forget?  

The truth is I can’t shake the pain of that break-up. Others, maybe. Not that one.

I can forgive. But I can’t forget. Sorry. Not now. And you know what? I’m okay with that. Sometimes self-preservation is more important than defiance.

I text him to tell him that I couldn’t meet up with him because I loved him and that it was too painful. He replied, that he didn’t realize I still felt that way.

What he failed to understand is that a part of me would always love him. But that doesn’t mean we can be friends.

I sat on the train back to the city. As the London’s lights glimmered ahead of me, I smiled to myself. The future was mine. All mine.

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Have a great week peeps!

Tags: breakups christmas dating ex boyfriend relationships

Categories: From the Heart Love & Relationships Yazmin Joy