March 4, 2012 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

The Secret Language of Texting

In an age where text messaging, Whatsapp and instant messenger are replacing the good old fashioned phone call I am finding it increasingly difficult to decipher the cryptic language of the dreaded text message.

According to a study at UCLA up to 93% of communication is non-verbal. If this little nugget of trivia is true then I am afraid that technology has turned round and kicked me and my love life and my patience in the (hypothetical) balls!

So first on the agenda… ‘LOL’

I am totally guilty of extensively using ‘LOL’ in my messages but geeeze louise it gets on my tits! Especially when it is not used to express what it actually means.

I have identified a host of alternative subliminal meanings for this particular abbreviation.

For instance there is the genuine – ‘I am totally laughing out loud right now mann’ Lol…

….then there is the ‘I’m saying ‘lol’ because I want to lighten the tone of this conversation’ Lol…

… and don’t forget the ‘I know the rest of my message indicates I am in a dire emotional state and desperately need you to come round and make me soup – but don’t worry if you are busy because I can just cry myself to sleep’ Lol.

Recently I have started to notice people using ‘Lol’ ironically or as a facetious cover up for (what I like to call) ‘TAP’ – which is my own nifty abbreviation of Tears And Pain people TEARS AND PAAAAAINN!!!

For instance this person I know text me the other month;

‘Have had to go to hospital to have my appendix out. Lol x’.

Errr…. now not being funny but that’s not really a ‘Lol-ing’ situation now is it?

‘Are you on anaesthetic now?’ I replied also ending in ‘lol x’. I was trying to keep up the tone.

Here’s a crazy idea… why not say what you actually mean?? Why not say you’re going to hospital and you are scared shitless with a sad smiley.

It’s also highly irritating when people text Lol when things evidently have no comic value at all.

‘Just going to Tescos lol’ someone sent me the other day. THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!! How would you like me to respond to that? ‘Absolutely hilarious Lauren. Go on, tell it again’ ?? Humm.. o wait I can just read it again, doh!

I mean one of my mates didn’t even know what ‘lol’ meant until recently. The poor sod thought it meant Love you Lots. See what I mean… confusion everywhere!!

Applying the ‘it’s not what you said it’s the way you said it’ crap just ain’t gunna cut it in the text lingo! Why? because there is no legitimate translation technique that can possibly replicate the tone and subtleties of the human body and voice!! AND YET we still scan the meagre text message for hidden meaning? Has the world gone mad??

…So I have found myself wracking my brain over text messaging this week. If you have met someone new and you haven’t had the chance to get to know person, in well, person, and you mostly communicate through text/instant messenger, then the odds are (if you are anything like me) you’re going get your wires crossed at some point.

Do I know this dude’s sense of humour?? No.

When he says perceivably rude or mildly sexist comments am I to know his virtual dialogue is tinged with irony and plagued with wit?No, I don’t believe I do.

Why? Because I’M NOT BLOODY PSYCHIC that’s why!

Now, I am an awful texter partly because I am painfully slow at typing in the characters, notorious for pressing send when I am not finished typing, typo-prone and I often leave out really important parts of the story I am trying to communicate so that it makes no sense to the reader. How can the recipient possibly grasp my intellect, humour and charm in under 160 characters? (I realize a lot of phones now can go up to 7000, but if that’s the case why not just say it on the phone?)

Being accident prone makes the whole scenario of texting increasingly problematic for me since unlike unfortunate/inappropriate/cringe worthy things said in person – which once have passed have disappeared into the past – a text message acts as some kind of torturous recording device logging all of my short comings in one inbox. Even if you delete the message on your phone once it’s on someone elses handset then it is for them to use at their disgression. It can be read over and over and over again… So if you make a fuck up then you are screwed.

Example… when I was a teen I fell for this guy (really nice dude) and he was completely oblivious to the fact that I was head over heels… well that was until I sent a text message ABOUT him TO him. O dear gawd it was awful?

‘Was that meant for me? x’ he text back.

‘Oh no,’ I replied ‘it was for my other friend of the same name. LOL x’

LIES. Complete lies. There you go… another thing…. Text massaging makes it so easy to lie, and badly too. The guy knew very well it was about him and now things were just awkward. DAMN you subconscious!

Ironically I was chatting to a friend of mine the other day and she said when she was younger she once DELIBERATLEY sent a text message ABOUT someone TO them, because she wanted to see his reaction and test the water.

So if you recieve a message like this what are you supposed to believe? Nothing is your answer because the whole thing is riddled with LIES and DECEPTION!!!

Moving swiftly on to the next thing on my agenda…

The Dreaded ‘X’

When one is texting someone new, in what is essentially a flirty/potentially more-than-just-friends scenario, how far should one read into the ‘X’ at the end of the message?

I mean, does two X’s mean something different to three? Is it subjective to the recipient (who you might not know that well)? If we were just friends would it matter? And don’t even get me started on the use of upper or lower case…

When I step back and think about it it’s just a load of bollocks really, isn’t it? But funily enough it doesn’t seem so much like bollocks when you are having to figure out if someone likes you through their messages.

So here’s a scenario. My friend is having a bit of trouble decoding the dreaded text-kiss-scenario…

‘So I was texting Lenard*and at first he had been putting two kisses at the end of his text, while I was putting smiley faces. But the other day I decided to respond with two kisses (I felt he needed some encouragement you see) BUT the following text he only put ONE. Is he stepping back? Is he less keen? WHAT DOES IT MEAN???’ Her voice was getting increasingly high pitched.

[*fake name alert.]

I slurped my soya cinnamon latte and made about six confused/thoughtful facial expressions, before replying: ‘Maybe he was tired?’ I didn’t know what to bloody say, did I? Did I know the guy?

I mean, this is how I spend half my bloody social life… trying to unearth the meaning of other people’s text-ual relationships. I literally could have learnt how to speak Chinese in the time I have taken talking to my girlfriends, attempting to understand the subliminal meaning behind the ‘x’. And after all those hours talking and analysing, I still don’t have a sodding clue about what it all means!

Do guys even know how much girls read into their texts? Well, I’m guessing after reading this they might. Because I can tell you now, when (most) girls (in a flirty context) text you every virtual kiss she sends is carefully thought out and highly calculated.

I know what you are thinking:

‘Why oh why must we play these wretched games?’

‘Who gives a flying monkey’s whether Heath put one X or two??’

I’ve observed that often dudes seem to text however many X’s they feel like, while chicks deliberately DO NOT put the amount of X’s she wants in order to a) play hard to get, or b) protect her ego/feelings in case the kisses are not reciprocated and she ends up looking desperate.

So in a nutshell:

Woman totally read into guy’s texts but deliberately make theirs cryptic.

I know, what a mind fuck, right? You got more chance of discovering Atlantis than finding a fool proof equation to the secret language of texting.

It’s weird ‘cause I never text-psycho-analyse my mates messages because the number of kisses is irrelevant to whether they are meeting me for potato wedges and chilli or not. So why is it any different for a guy I potentially like? Like most scenario’s, throw a hottie into the situation and all logic and reason goes out the window. Intelligent, grounded people become actually mental and neurotic crazzy muther fukers… what the hell?

So, there are a few methods I have tried and tested/heard about from friends in this X-perdition of discovery:

1) Mirror Method – just mirror the number of kisses the other person sends. If they put one kiss, you put one. If they put three, you put three.

The only problem of this method is if the other person is in friendship mode and you are looking for signs that they like you, through this method you might be driving yourself unnecessarily bonkers and will probably end up institutionalised.

2) X-terminator – commonly used by chicks – in which you always put one kiss less then you have last received.

So…

he puts: xxx You: xx

He puts: xx You: x

He: x You: smiley face.

It’s like a funny little texty dance isn’t it?

The only problem with this method is the double-flip-reversal danger. If he turns around and gives you less kisses then what you have just sent him YOU basically LOOSE the game and self destruct in 30 seconds! And then you feel a bit shit and must go and watch Sassy Gay Friend on youtube for 10mins. Look at your life. Look at you’re choices. That guy cracks me up! Digression.

Basically the X-terminator method is all a big fat pointless power struggle which is essentially a massive waste of energy and time.

3) The Kurt Kobain Method – rules? What rules? This is the method by which you pretend that there is no underlying agenda behind the number of X’s you punctuate your text when you are texting someone you fancy.

Now, I hate to be the one to break it to the users of this KK method, but you ain’t foolin’ no-one. You are in denial.

I personally think if you reeeaaaaally like someone psycho- text-alysing is just inevitable even for the shrewdest of texters.

4) Rock Method. This is my favourite method. I have found the best way to protect myself/my feelings/my sanity, is to pick a number and stick to it. I like consistency damn it! I go for three X’s for friends. One for all straight guys who are not my long term bf. Clear, concise and effectual.

X is just a symbol anyway. It’s not a real kiss people. It’s just two lines crossed! We shouldn’t have to put so much importance on it.

In France they often don’t even bother with all this time wasting virtual kiss bollocks. Maybe we should take a leaf out of their book.

As for analysing other people’s text messages I reckon I will always fall into the tormenting psycho-text-alysing abyss of doom to an extent. It just seems unavoidable.

The only thing I can do is moderate my own virtual-behaviour. I shall go forth and be a text-ual rock of consistency… a pillar of reliability.

Motto: Text someone how you wish to be texted.

I shall exempt myself from the secret language of texting in reservation for those who know me well enough to read when I am pissed off through my use of parentheses and know my emotional state via my construction of syntax.

O look there’s Will aka Hitch… TALKING!! Talking to who??

Eva Mendes of course! Woohoo!

Which leads to…

THIS! because talking on the phone is more movie worthy!! I mean it would be so boring if it was all through texting now wouldn’t it.

If someone wants to know how I feel about them I suggest they call me or spend time with me in person. After all, isn’t that just a better way of getting to know someone? You know, in person?

Have a great week peeps.

x (xx)