December 8, 2012 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor

You know how it is ladies… You’ve been working hard all week. You’re out for a night on tiles with your bezzies. You got that hot little dress on. The DJ is spinning some banging club tunage. You pretty much feel like Beyonce right now and sister you are gettin’ your groove owwwn… WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN a creeeeepy, crawwwwwly hand appears from nowhere and starts touching your hips and arse. You turn around to see some random sweaty bloke totally perving on you (and not even being subtle about it). At first it might be kind of flattering, but IS IT? IS IT REALLY?

In the book of club etiquette, where is the borderline between flirt and pervert?

A few months back, I was in a club and this dude was harassing me. I mean I had once observed a female duck being harassed by two drakes when I was in the park; they kept ‘sheep-dogging’ her, knocking into her, getting in her way the whole time. Here I was in a nightclub being harassed in EXACTLY the same way. I was absolutely livid.

‘Excuse me, could you kindly remove your hands from my arse. Thanks.’ I said politely.

Now in this situation you will usually get one of two responses. The first, is an apology. Fair enough. We all make mistakes.

The second response entails the dude getting royally pissed off. He may try and manipulate your mind into believing YOU are the one with the problem (which is what happened on this occasion): ‘Come on! What’s wrong with you?’

Let’s face it, the dance floor is a jungle. . . BUT if you know the types of dance floor duds to look out for, you have a better chance of figuring out the flirt from the pervert, right?! And since I know the importance of discerning the man from the moves, I have been doing some scouting of my own. Therefore I am proud to introduce to you….

ALILJOY’S GUIDE TO DANCE FLOOR DUDS

The Happy Clapper

First up, THE HAPPY CLAPPER. The offensive thing about the H.C is that that he thinks you (girl) are drunk enough/stupid enough to do all the leg work here.

Found: Anywhere there is music and vaginas.

Tactic: Claps in a ‘dance monkey dance’ like fashion, trying to get you and/or your friends to dance for him. Not dance with him. Dance FOR him.

What to do: If the clapping is directed at you. CLAP BACK. If he suggests you and your friend ‘have a dance off’ suggest he show you how it’s done. If he dances for you then he’s a good sport and might be worthy of your time. If not, he will get bored after a while and annoy someone else.

Jake Gyllenhaal is one of my favourite actors and does seem like a terribly cool dude HOWEVER I’m not sure too about these moves… (look out for the classic H.C.)

The Silent Predator

I first encountered Mr. Silent-But-Deadly here when I was working behind the bar a few years back. Dressed in black and leather boots, a glass of scotch and squinty eyes, this is a dude that is planning a highly calculated advancement. The kinda man that gives you the heebie jeebies.

Found: At the bar or shadowy crevasses of the room.

Tactic: Watching like a hawk, waiting for a straggler. Like a hyena waiting for a weak little baby buffalo in the serengetti. A folrne lost chicky who has been parted from the rest of the flock. A fox sniffing out a chicken shed…

What to do: Stay with your friends. Don’t make eye contact. (Obviously don’t leave your drink unattended at any point.) Worse case scenario eyes, neck and balls are target spot if you are put in a sticky situation.

The Satellite

We’ve all encountered him and we are all irritated by him, but The Satellite has only one objective and that is picking up YOU (or your friend) on his radar.

Found: Dance floor.

Tactic: Picks a victim – ahermm I mean girl – and tries to grind behind them. When they try to move to a different position in the circle the satellite just follows them around the outside of the circle.

What to do: Try the ol switcheronie maneuver! If your mate is the one being harassed then switch places with her. And if our little friend doesn’t take the hint, repeat till he gets fed up.

The Peacock

The Peacock is a harmless creature (at arms length). But he likes to flaunt his moves in order to get your attention.

Found: Right, smack in the middle of the flawww.

Tactic: Big and bold dance moves. Watch out for flying chicken arms.

What to do: essentially there is nothing wrong with the peacock apart from the fact he is massively hazardous.

Chatting to my girlfriends about the Flirt/Pervert dilemma on the dance floor, a startling number of them admitted that when they are being felt up in a club by a strange man, even though they didn’t like it, they found it hard to say NO, confessing that they felt it hard to turn the bloke away because they felt their outfit or sexual dance moves had motivated these unrequited advances in the first place.

For girls who feel like they can’t say ‘no’, listen up, it’s your god given human right to say NO! Got it! Don’t ever feel you can’t walk away from an uncomfortable situation.

FOR THE BLOKES

Here are some tips so your flirting DOESN’T get mistaken for perverting. (Gosh now that would be embarrassing now wouldn’t it!!)

1) I think a good sense of humor and someone who is having a good time with their friends will always be infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex than someone who looks like they are just looking for someone to take home. So have fun!

2) Instead of the common grind – (you are not LL Cool J so don’t even try to be) take inspiration from a bit of good old fashioned hand-in-hand swing or a lively country jig. This will take her by surprise – in a good way! I.e. take her hands not her arse, let her do some twirling – be confident. This shows her you’re interested in more than just her vagina.

3) Try and read the actions of the girl you are trying to get to know. If she is running AWAY from you. Rethink/ABORT mission – otherwise you will look like a massive pervert.

Some Dance Floor Inspiration Just for YOU!!

Vincent Vega (Pulp Fiction)