April 29, 2013 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

Prowlers: ‘Yo, Hands Off Ma Man’

Lurking in your partners workplace. Looming at the office party. Hanging around his favourite coffee stand. Emailing him on the weekend….‘Prowler’ is the name I have lovingly denoted to the people whom, intuition tells you, has their eye on your man (or woman).

So it all began when I was having coffee with one of my friends back home. We began talking about this girl who we used to go to school with, let’s call her Sandy (totally a fake name alert).

‘Yeeaaaaaah my sister was pretty sure Sandy had her eye on Lenny*.’ (*FYI, Lenny – also fake name – is my friend’s sister’s fiancé.) ‘Yeah Sandy always used to offer him lifts home after work and give my sister evils when ever she came into the workplace.’

I already knew what my mate was talking about. Sandy was a Prowler.

A prowler is the first person to make some tea and pass the sympathy buns when your boyfriend is having a bad day. And even better when he’s having a bad day with YOU. Prowlers are highly annoying. Always lingering around like a bad smell waiting for opportunity to strike like a hungry hyena. GULP!

And their biggest problem is, guess what? YOU.

Remember Mark in Friends?

Mark is what I would call a prowler. Gawd they’re annoying. And if you don’t watch out they will make you look like a massive-jealous-looney-freak. The last thing you wana do is switch on Miss/Mr Crazy, because, as Friends quite clearly demonstrates, this will make things WORSE PEOPLE! You don’t wana end up looking desperate and embarrassing your other half in their place of work…

So how do you deal with a prowler? Other than with a big stick and a taser – both of which were actual suggestions two people gave me when I asked them this question. (LOL!)

So after having a variety of fruitful conversations two pieces of advice stood out.

1) Talk it out.

If you are uncomfortable with your partner’s relationship with a person you identify as a Prowler talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend about it. Let’s face it, everyone should be allowed to have a laugh with their colleagues, and everyone is entitled to FRIENDS, right!? You don’t want you’re boyfriend to be a complete loner dud, do you?

Whatever you do don’t try and control him sister or brother. That will sink your relation-ship (see what I did there!!) quicker than you can say Titanic.

2) Friends Close, Enemies Closer Technique

If you’re manipulative and conniving then this is the tip for you: if a prowler is hanging round your partner and it’s annoying the crap out of you BEFRIEND THEM. And befriend them like you really REALLY fucking mean it.

Testimony

There once was a dude who’s girlfriend was getting a bit friendly with one of her work colleagues. He trusted her completely but just didn’t like their ever-growing friendly banter and meet-ups. When his girlfriend would go out for a drink with her work collegues, rather than throwing a tantrum he would offer to pick her up (not in a creepy I AM CONTROLLING YOU WAY). But in a ‘babe, I’ll pick up up if you want?’ Now that’s crafty.

This gave out the subliminal message: she might be out drinking with you lot, but I’m the one she’s coming home with, lives with, wants to be with.

Not only did the prowler back off, he became chums with him. And they are still friends to this day. What a non-violent totally humanitarian way to turn that situation around.

My final tip dealing with Prowlers is (I know it’s easy to say but) rise above it. The prowler is probably infatuated, bored, insecure, or maybe they just like the attention. In any case don’t spend your nights trying to figure her out.

Instead know that you are absolutely wonderful baby girrrl!!! And that’s exactly why he’s dating YOU.

I have come across a few prowlers in my time and I’ve got to say I wish that I hadn’t lost my cool. However, in the end these prowlers only ended up being the litmus test that told me I was in the wrong relationship.

So peeps, how do you deal with a prowler? Got a better way (that doesn’t include a mace and rubber gloves)? Share it sisters (and brothers).

Have a great week peeps!