The Sweaty Ass Crack Moments of Life
Life is full of challenges isn’t it?
While it’s a well known saying: life is a race. John Maxwell argues that life is in act life series of races. Every day we are met with obstacles, challenges, annoying people, ass-cracks… ‘Wait! Hold up sister!’ I here you say… Don’t worry this is not that kind of blog. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago I was innocently meandering around Iceland in East Acton. And for some reason, on that particular afternoon the store was heaving.
Photo via
So there I was, having just picked up the desired milk and eggs when I found myself marooned in an impossibly narrow aisle with my basket and reusable bag surrounded by shoppers. The open space was like the land and I was being drowned in a sea of hungry civilians: a lady with a stroller behind me was increasingly impinging on my personal space; two teenage boys, grunting at the variety of condoms on display, weren’t showing signs of budging while an obese dude in Nike joggers stood between myself and the check-out. How to I break out of this joint? I thought. But upon second inspection of the man in Nike joggers I noticed there was a gap just big enough for me to squeeze through.
No sooner had I made it half way through the gap when suddenly the obese Nike guy, who was facing away from me, suddenly, without warning BENT DOWN. Next thing I knew I was literally wedged between the Lenor washing tablets and his sweaty, hairy, ASS CRACK, that was wobbling literally INCHES from my face.
I began to sweat. ‘Oh gawd,’ I thought. ‘This is awful. Terrible.’ I mean I was so close I could see beads of sweat trickling down the valley.
‘Sorry, could I get through.’ I spluttered. But the truth was I wasn’t sorry at all. I was trying to get out of this hell hole. Iceland was suddenly the Temple of Doom and I was Indiana Jones trying to escape. I held my breath and adopted this hippy, hoppy slinky, spider-man/Entrapment style slo-mo dance around the protruding arse that was in my way. I will not lie. It was fucking awkward. And as I felt a sigh of relief, reaching the check out – I thought to myself: ‘Well, that was bloody unexpected.’
As I meandered home I began to ponder about my sweaty-ass-crack-in-the-face experience. One minute you are going about your business buying milk and eggs, the next your dodging obstacles you never thought you’d encounter. Some of them good, some of them bad and some of them just plain ugly.
Sometimes you can’t anticipate these obsticals either. They can catch you completely off guard. Sweaty Ass Crack Moments (SAC) appear throughout our lives, often multiple times a day.
Whether they are personal, financial, emotional or physical I guess the SAC’s of life will always rear their ugly heads at unexpected moments. And in that instant, we become like Indiana Jones, we pull out some agility and tap into our innate, primitive resourcefulness (or spiderman slo-mo style dancing).
A Sweaty Ass Crack Moment is:
- Unpredictable
- Unanticipated
- Within the Ordinary Realms of Life
- Unaesthetically pleasing
- Massively Inconvenient
- But is Usually Unthreatening
I’m talking about someone cutting the cue in front of you at the off-license, losing your keys when you’re already late, indigestion… It’s no biggie, it’s just life. The Sweaty Ass-Crack Moments of life.
Has anyone else had some rather unexpected encumbering moments in their day to day lives recently? Maybe you have been wedged in a narrow aisle with an obese man’s ass-crack staring you in the face too? Can we be friends?
Nuff rambling. Hope you have a great week peeps!
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Tags: humour life lessons London society
Categories: Adventureland Cringe Factor