March 31, 2014 - Written by: Cas Sutherland

Dating Etiquette: Virtual Judgement

I recently went on my first ever date with a stranger. Not completely blind, mind you – but we had never met before. Some weeks ago, I realised that I hadn’t met anyone new since I moved to London in October – in a non-professional, non-living-in-the-same-house scope anyway. So, on a Saturday morning 2am whim, I joined a dating site. You know, the free one that has vague religious affiliations.

(Image via)

I quickly discovered that there’s a helluva lot of self-marketing going on here – and I am told that women get far more positive responses than men, which may tell us more about the gender doing the judging than the gender being judged – so you really have to think about how you’re likely to be perceived.

Your photos are the most important part, and people sometimes don’t even read your profile if they like the look of you.

Writing too much or too little won’t endear people, but your style and layout actually matters a little bit, but, more often than not, you’ll just end up repeating yourself.

So, I had been messaging this guy for just over a week – they’d become long, thoughtful messages with some pretty serious issues debated. We were getting along really well and he looked nice in his pictures. I was utterly convinced that I fancied him.

So when he invited me for a Saturday afternoon drink, I agreed to go. I was nervous but excited at the same time – sorry, I can’t help but quote the e-harmony cat lady video:

Also, if you haven’t seen the songified version, watch it!

We spent over 3 hours together, happily chatting but getting no further than skin-deep, because, although he was kind and interesting, when it came down to it, I knew within minutes that WE WILL NEVER WORK.

Meeting someone organically is a lot harder than e-meeting someone.

I mean, you don’t have to leave the comfort of your pre-shower-bed-pyjama-television-and-a-cuppa set up on a Saturday morning to get noticed by loads of people. It’s much simpler than getting all dressed up, arranging to go out with friends, drinking enough to feel confident enough to talk to the hot guy across the dance floor, but not so much that you only realise you made a fool of yourself three days later. And then there’s the question of actually facing the possibility of rejection without being a fool.

Plus, if you’re out drinking, you’re probably feeling more vulnerable (desperate) than usual, and you’re likely to settle for someone far lower than your sober standards.

So, at a party that evening, I met a guy I kinda liked. We talked, got on really well, flirted, drank too much… and then I found out he had a girlfriend. F***. Luck not on my side.

A week later, I went out on a date with another guy I’d been talking to from that same site. Again, he was really nice, but not what had been said on the tin. I found myself irritated at the way he spoke and dressed, which is an issue I’d found with the previous guy. Although the conversation flowed reasonably well, he got on my nerves a little bit and I found myself distracted by watching the guy at the next table…

So I got to thinking:

Does internet dating make us more judgemental?

I was always under that impression, knowing that your first ‘swipe’ is based on looks alone, but in fact it’s probably a pretty good simulator of the processes your brain goes through subconsciously… In a crowded room of people, you make your initial selection based on appearance, then you begin narrowing it down, ruling people out as you talk to them and realise a) you have nothing in common; b) they irritate the shit out of you; c) you simply don’t fancy them; or d) all of the above.

A dating site replicates things you barely notice yourself judging people for, making every latent decision manifest and, thus, creating the potential for you to feel guilty about those normally subliminal decisions.

Few of us want to think of ourselves as prejudiced, of course, so we give people “the benefit of the doubt”, potentially going against our primary gut feeling (and you all know how I feel about instincts).

But as it turns out, kidding yourself doesn’t help.

Kid yourself long enough and you could end up in a hideous relationship with a guy you neither trust, fancy or find interesting. And you will only have yourself to blame. You can lie to everyone else in the world about what you really want, but if you’re not completely honest with yourself, you get nowhere – and that applies to dating too!

If you liked this post, don’t forget to check out Daisy’s online dating tips: here.