March 26, 2014 - Written by: Beth Teverson

Know Your Low

(Image via)

I had a difficult weekend. What can I say? I’m human. Things kinda got the better of me and I made a few bad decisions.

The moment I realised this, however, I was (in true Beth Teverson drama style) running up a hill.

Now let’s get this straight, I wasn’t running for a bus or a long lost lover. I was running up the dam thing because I’m training for the Plymouth Half Marathon. As I got to the top of hill I just felt myself exasperate with the feeling: a feeling I imagine we all experience more often than we’d like to.

It’s like when you hurt yourself a little as a kid but you know your mum is watching. Or when a friend says: “Are you okay?” And you just fall apart.

‘Everything is pretty shit and I’m too much a shit-bag fulla shit to fix it.’

Poets have probably written it in a more romantic way but I’ll stick with my analogy.

I felt the rush of tears, my legs started to give up, my hands flew to my face and I cried.

Well, I cried for about half a second before I realised there was a guy sat in a car parked not two metres away. He definitely thought I was nuts.

I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone so I carried on running around the corner. My mind was fleeting with thoughts but mostly I just felt embarrassed. My legs started to pick up again though – my god – they didn’t want to.

I’d been listening to my Ipod throughout this whole ordeal and as I left the sight of the Unsuspecting-Parked-Car- Guy a song came on.

Normally I don’t listen to lyrics that much. I’m running you know? All I care about is the bangin’ beatz. Sure enough it was the beat that caught me first then this line came up “This morning I woke up […] feeling my highs and my lows.”

I don’t know what hit me. I mean I’m not usually one to apply lyrics to my life but at that very second it made me think.

It made me think how much I have tried to live on a constant high and have never found it, always trying to be happy and when it doesn’t quite work out – why am I surprised?

I thought: why am I spending so much goddam time trying to be happy?

Maybe I should just have a shit day. Maybe I could just look ugly and feel worthless, hate myself for a little bit – I would still be feeling right?

Because, you know what? It is a bit shit.

I’m in a job that doesn’t challenge me or justify how hard I’ve worked. I live with my Mum, I have no money and my best friends are 256 miles away. It’s not tragic – but it is a bit shit.

And I acknowledge it and I move on.

I feel like I‘ve been told so many times to be happy, to embrace life, that I’m beautiful – well you know what sometimes I’m just not.

And you know what – after I started acknowledging that I felt a relief. It wasn’t ‘happiness’: This isn’t me saying that everything was better because it wasn’t, it was still shit – but I got on with it.

Feel every emotion. We can’t be happy all the time because if we were – well, what would there be to write about?