June 30, 2015 - Written by: Yazmin Joy

Suzie Parkus Answers Your Dating Questions: Part 4

Sex on first date. Yay or nay? – From Anonymous

Oh gees, this is a pretty common question with a not so simple answer.

First it depends how you met. Then it matters as to the build up conversation to the forthcoming date and whether you have been at all suggestive and creating an element of lust and desire.

If you have been at all lustful, then you need to be aware as to the signals you are sending out. As he or she, may think that’s all you want and in which case they will sleep with you, but they won’t have seen a relationship signal and as a result, don’t be surprised if it then doesn’t turn in to a relationship.

If you do want a relationship then I wouldn’t be putting out on a first date, unless you know for sure that this person is the real deal and that they value you as relationship material. You will get a hint of this via conversations prior to the date and the way the other person conducts themselves on a date.

The bottom line is, what are YOU looking for? If you want a relationship where you are desired and respected, it’s not advisable to give it all away in the first innings. On the flip side of this, there’s also an argument for not playing games and making someone wait weeks or months. Everything is on a case by case basis and dependant upon what you want from the other person.

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I have been dating a guy for several months now and this is really embarrassing, but he really smells of B.O. It’s getting to the point that he’s turning me off. He showers regularly and seems to be a clean person. I’ve tried to pass hints but he isn’t getting it. Everything else is great in the relationship, but if it persists I don’t know if I can put up with it much longer. Please help! – from Christopher

Hi Christopher,

Many thanks for this, I’m sure it was awkward for you to even ask, but I’m so glad you did!

There are many reasons as to why a person can smell. The first thing we think of is, does this person actually shower? The truth is, some people can react rather badly to certain food groups and can lead to the production of bad smells leaking from a person’s pores. The same is true if someone eats very well seasoned food that has used rather strong herbs in the cooking process. It can indeed repeat on a person and as before, also leak from one’s pores.

Another reason someone can omit a strong bodily oder, is because their washing machine isn’t working very well and as a result not washing sweat away from the clothes, which means you get a build up of sweat and that can be altogether rather potent. One last thing I can think of is drinking lots of alcohol and being dehydrated. A dehydrated body also doesn’t smell too great.

So as you can see the issue here can be a myriad of reasons and I cannot say for certain in this case which one if any, it may be.

‘However, what I would say is don’t just walk away if you really care about this person and the future of this relationship.’

I had a friend once who one night smelt of BO and to a very high degree; it was so bad that it actually filled the room. Someone approached me to suggest that I tell this person of the situation and that their smell was radiating both far and wide. They were right to tell me and to suggest that as a friend it was my place to tell her the situation. So I very awkwardly took her to one side and said, ‘I don’t know if you are aware, but it seems as though there’s a strong smell around you this evening, is everything ok?’ She replied by saying that she had forgotten to put deodorant on that day, could smell it and thought spraying perfume would mask the smell. Sadly it only worsened it. The point being, she NEVER smelt like that again.

Some people are aware and some aren’t. You clearly care enough to ask and to want to do something about this, so I would tell your partner in a very soft and tactful way that you have noticed a rather uncomfortable smell in their presence. You can even be so polite as to say perhaps: ‘have you been trying a new aftershave?’

Or you can be forthright if that’s your way and say:

‘Hey XXX, I am really enjoy being in a relationship with you and the time we spend together. I felt I owed it to you, given how fond I am and how much I value you, to let you know that something has been making me feel a tad awkward and uncomfortable. I have noticed that as a person you seem to omit a rather powerful smell and it’s getting to the point where it’s starting to turn me off. Now, the last thing I would like is to go off you, but wondered if there was a problem I am unaware of and could possibly help you with?’

When you come across as approachable and caring, that’s when someone feels that you care, you are genuinely invested in their welfare and are paving the way for vulnerable conversation to occur.

You have to instigate a conversation that resonated with your own approach, otherwise quoting me will merely sound scripted.

Think about all the possible reasons for this issue to be occurring in the first instance and then tailor the conversation to one of the possibilities that you think it might be if you feel that’s appropriate.

I can’t stress enough, how important it is to be diplomatic, caring and understanding, as most people are aware and making it obvious to them in a negative way will only cause a defensive and negative reaction.

Let me know how you get on.

Good luck!

Suzie

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