Life. It’s Complicated

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The more I step into life the more I realise nothing is simple. I can feel ecstatically happy, utterly petrified and completely vulnerable all at the same time. I can be passionately in-love yet perfectly unavailable, courageous yet fearful, content yet restless, dumb, smart, aloof, alert, grounded, skeptical, unpredictable, completely predictable…

I mean, sometimes I sit in my windowless room and think to myself: ‘What the fuck is my life?’

I don’t know about you, but I’m constantly trying to figure shit out. Should take the train or the bus home tonight? How much should I invest in Moroccan Oil or stick to TRESseme? How I’m going to pay my rent? Should I pack sunglasses or a brolly? (The answer is BOTH. Always both.)  Am I crazy? Do these dungergees make me look like a giant cabbage patch kid?

Yesterday I met with some of my girlfriends for Sunday brunch at The Breakfast Club. As we chatted over our eggs and french toast it was pretty clear that all of us were trying to figure “stuff” out.

One one my friend’s had just finished uni, another was about to sit an exam, a third was looking for a new job… While some of us had a pathway ahead of us, others had a destination in the back of our minds of where we wanted to end up. None of us had both.

Me? I’m a destination girl. I know where I want to go but don’t know the exact way to get there.

As I walked through the London streets, having spent the afternoon with some of my favourite people, it struck me how calm I was despite not really knowing anything about the road ahead (seriously I think I took a wrong turn somewhere near Poland Street!). I suddenly found myself lost in Soho. I knew Oxford Circus was East and just followed my instincts. I felt like Frodo or Odysseus, and with my own resources I managed to navigate my way out of the West End maze and back on the main street. Then it struck me that it’s okay not to know all the answers… I had an idea of where I was headed and that was all that mattered.

Let’s face it. Life is tough. It’s complicated. But sometimes we beat ourselves up trying to come up with all the answers. I know I do. As I embark on the journey ahead I only have my mind, my courage, my heart, my instincts, my family & friends and a windowless room in East Acton. I also have my insecurities and my doubt – don’t we all?

As I stepped out into the sunshine I realised all that was lacking was a little faith. Everything would figure itself out. With my destination in my eye-line I decided to just keep walking – it all suddenly all felt a little less complicated.

Have a great week peeps.

x

Prowlers Part II: I Don’t Want Your Man!

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So I previously wrote a blog about Prowlers (click here to read part one). Just to recap, I defined a ‘Prowler’ as a person who has their sights set on your partner.

This week I am going to talk about what to do if YOU are MISTAKEN for a Prowler.

Now nobody likes being disliked. I certainly don’t. In fact, if someone doesn’t like me I take it quite personally. Why don’t they like me? WHYYYY??  

MeanGirls

Photo via tbs.com

So here’s a scenario:

A friend of mine, let’s call her Ruth, lives with a dude whose girlfriend hates her. At first Ruth just thought she was being paranoid.

The girlfriend would stop talking every time Ruth would enter the room, shoot her evils when Ruth spoke to her boyfriend and would not even engage in casual conversation. In these early days it became so intense that the boyfriend/housemate even stopped speaking to Ruth when his beaux was around. And Ruth confessed it was making her feel increasingly uncomfortable.

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I Got Mugged Last Night. This Is What I Learnt.

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Chapter 1 – The Attack

My ordeal all kicked off as I was innocently walking home from East Acton station just before 11 pm. I was taking the usual route home, and as I turned the corner I began to faff about with my iphone.

I was actually changing the track from Katie Perry’s Wide Awake to that new Daft Punk track, when I suddenly heard a rustling from the bushes. Looking to the direction where the sound was coming, I saw a crazy wide eyed dude in a unzipped hoodie and gangster cap, crouching like a cat behind some fencing. He was shifting his weight from side to side – like he was doing one of those wanky drama ‘be an animal’ exercises. Okay, I thought this could be the village loon. Everything’s going to be okay. He was clearly on drugs.

I began to walk faster and clocking this chick across the road from me I thought hey its alright Yaz ol gal you’re not alone when suddenly I heard…

‘AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.’

The loon made a very dramatic run up and jumped on my back. Yes, you read correctly, HE JUMPED ON MY MOTHER FUCKING BACK. Like a really inflexible ninja.

Naturally I screamed ‘AGGHHHH HELP!’, hoping the chick would run at him with a stick or get her phone out to call the police. But my hope was gashed as the bitch began to runaway. Noooo, I thought, come back. 

Chapter 2 – Primal Instinct

I didn’t know what to do. They say that animal instinct kicks in in situations like this. So I did the only thing I could do in my situation: I played dead. Like a possum. I lay on the concrete, dead weight, clinging to my phone as the loon hunched over me yanking my phone from my hands.

He kept saying the line ‘I’m going to take your phone… I’m going to take your phone…’ But I wasn’t sure whether he was saying it to me or to himself. He was as freaked as I was I think. He wasn’t very professional. 

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Prowlers: ‘Yo, Hands Off Ma Man’

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Lurking in your partners workplace. Looming at the office party. Hanging around his favourite coffee stand. Emailing him on the weekend….‘Prowler’ is the name I have lovingly denoted to the people whom, intuition tells you, has their eye on your man (or woman). 

So it all began when I was having coffee with one of my friends back home. We began talking about this girl who we used to go to school with, let’s call her Sandy (totally a fake name alert).

‘Yeeaaaaaah my sister was pretty sure Sandy had her eye on Lenny*.’ (*FYI, Lenny – also fake name – is my friend’s sister’s fiancé.) ‘Yeah Sandy always used to offer him lifts home after work and give my sister evils when ever she came into the workplace.’

I already knew what my mate was talking about. Sandy was a Prowler.

A prowler is the first person to make some tea and pass the sympathy buns when your boyfriend is having a bad day. And even better when he’s having a bad day with YOU. Prowlers are highly annoying. Always lingering around like a bad smell waiting for opportunity to strike like a hungry hyena. GULP!

And their biggest problem is, guess what? YOU.

Remember Mark in Friends? 

Mark_Friends

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I’m sorry you rode into me. Asshole.

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The other day I was walking along the street on my way to the station in broad daylight when suddenly, from out of nowhere, this geezer on a bicycle rides INTO ME.

Stop right there. Already this statement has flagged two components that, quite frankly, piss me off: rudeness and cyclists.

Okay it wasn’t quite a head on collision but let’s just say he clipped my handbag with his handle bar, and me being completely unaware and taken by surprise, jumped about a foot. ‘Oh sorry!’ I spluttered. He didn’t even bother turning round to see if I was okay, instead, raised his hand like I was some kind of village peasant and he was a bloody monarch.

Then it struck me: why the hell was I apologising??? I’m NOT SORRY! He almost rode into ME. I was completely unarmed with my Oyster card in one hand and a packet of Rollo’s in the other. I was like Forrest Gump when he gets chased by those bike bullies. Except there was only one cyclist and he wasn’t chasing me, he was trying to get past me – but so whaaaaaat. I still felt victimised. (Side note: I’m pretty sure Forrest Gump is responsible for my intense dislike for cyclists).

sex and the city

Then I realised, I do this all the time. Especially on public transport. Someone boots me with their suitcase and I’m apologising. Someone spills their HOT drink on me because they are too busy texting on their phone to see where they going and I’m the one asking for forgiveness. WHY???

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