The more I step into life the more I realise nothing is simple. I can feel ecstatically happy, utterly petrified and completely vulnerable all at the same time. I can be passionately in-love yet perfectly unavailable, courageous yet fearful, content yet restless, dumb, smart, aloof, alert, grounded, skeptical, unpredictable, completely predictable…
I mean, sometimes I sit in my windowless room and think to myself: ‘What the fuck is my life?’
I don’t know about you, but I’m constantly trying to figure shit out. Should take the train or the bus home tonight? How much should I invest in Moroccan Oil or stick to TRESseme? How I’m going to pay my rent? Should I pack sunglasses or a brolly? (The answer is BOTH. Always both.) Am I crazy? Do these dungergees make me look like a giant cabbage patch kid?
Yesterday I met with some of my girlfriends for Sunday brunch at The Breakfast Club. As we chatted over our eggs and french toast it was pretty clear that all of us were trying to figure “stuff” out.
One one my friend’s had just finished uni, another was about to sit an exam, a third was looking for a new job… While some of us had a pathway ahead of us, others had a destination in the back of our minds of where we wanted to end up. None of us had both.
Me? I’m a destination girl. I know where I want to go but don’t know the exact way to get there.
As I walked through the London streets, having spent the afternoon with some of my favourite people, it struck me how calm I was despite not really knowing anything about the road ahead (seriously I think I took a wrong turn somewhere near Poland Street!). I suddenly found myself lost in Soho. I knew Oxford Circus was East and just followed my instincts. I felt like Frodo or Odysseus, and with my own resources I managed to navigate my way out of the West End maze and back on the main street. Then it struck me that it’s okay not to know all the answers… I had an idea of where I was headed and that was all that mattered.
Let’s face it. Life is tough. It’s complicated. But sometimes we beat ourselves up trying to come up with all the answers. I know I do. As I embark on the journey ahead I only have my mind, my courage, my heart, my instincts, my family & friends and a windowless room in East Acton. I also have my insecurities and my doubt – don’t we all?
As I stepped out into the sunshine I realised all that was lacking was a little faith. Everything would figure itself out. With my destination in my eye-line I decided to just keep walking – it all suddenly all felt a little less complicated.
Have a great week peeps.